Engineers

[Milfmog]

Given the number of people here with an engineering or technical background, I thought the following might amuse folks. Feel free to add to the list...

Have fun,


Ian.

ENGINEER CLASSIFICATION TEST.

With the number of specialist fields growing daily, it becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish between the many different types of engineers. A simple way of telling them apart is to study the approach of the engineer to the problem of tightening a nut.

Apprentice Mechanical Engineer: Will tighten the nut to finger tight and then use a torque wrench to shear the bolt.

Mechanical Engineer: Will use the correct method, a hammer and cold chisel.

Structural Engineer: Similar to the mechanical engineer but he uses a 10lb sledgehammer.

Electrical Engineer: Will use a pair of pliers.

Electronic Engineer: Will use fine nosed pliers and ensure all the corners of the nut have been removed to prevent a mechanical engineer removing the item.

Production Engineer: Will make all this work unnecessary by forgetting to mill the flats in the first place.

Nuclear Engineer: Pops the whole assembly in a reactor and leaves it until it becomes so hot that no one dare approach it for a couple of millennia to see if the nut was tightened or not.

Plastics Engineer: Will mould the nut and bolt into one piece, producing thousands of very pretty but useless dumbbell shaped mouldings.

Industrial Design Engineer: Would never consider using such an un-aesthetic object.

Automobile Engineer: Will use a self-tapping screw, thus, dispensing with the nut altogether.

Instrument Engineer: Will just stand and gape at anything bigger than 12 B.A.

Chemical Engineer: Will throw the nut and bolt away and use glue instead.

Aeronautical Engineer: Uses a similar approach to the chemical engineer but would refer to the result as a bonded structure.

Avionics Engineer: Will run the nut up finger tight, but add some screw lock to stop it vibrating loose (or nail varnish if he’s run out of screw lock).

Civil Engineer: Will tighten the nut finger tight and then leave it to rust solid.

Software Engineer: Will stare blankly at it for several hours before deciding that he must have the wrong drivers.

Computer Engineer: Will wonder why there is a nut and bolt in the first place as the board connectors should hold everything in place, shouldn’t they?

Marine Engineer: Will register the vessel in Liberia to avoid anyone inspecting to see if the bolt was fitted.

Consultant Engineer: Will ask for £500 a day for two weeks to perform a feasibility study which will conclude that the nut is not required, thus saving himself from the ignominious fate of getting his hands dirty.

Chartered Engineer, (all disciplines): Will have forgotten what a nut and bolt is.

[STEVIE]

Fred Dibnah wiill come and haunt you for that.

[Milfmog]

Fred Dibnah wiill come and haunt you for that.

I can live with that - I reckon he'd be a fascinating guy to share a few beers with.

Have fun,


Ian.

[Big and Bashful]

Excellent! I think you have all the angles covered there. Can't think of anymore.

[Kirbstone]

...and Jodie Gilhooley (Engineer) will tell you that ALL engineers of whatever persuasion go to Heaven.

Tom K.

[crfriend]

Colin Glencannon, where are ye when we need ya?

[kingfish]

The Art of Engineering:
Finding the right wrench to pound home the correct screw.
And I really need to finish the changes to this printed circuit board before the customer comes up with something else to tweak.

[r.m.anderson]

Well you can send in the clowns and make matters worse - - -
OR worse than that send in the "Lawyers (Solictors UK)" !
Guaranteed the end will never be seen and any budget shot to hell
and the argument about who was supposed to tighten the nut in the first place !

"A-Kilted-Nut"
rma

[skirtingtoday]

Talking on Engineers (of which I am one - Civil Engineer)...

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fited you anyway."

Boom! Boom!

[sapphire]

I have abandoned my search for truth and am now looking for a good fantasy.
----- Ashleighly Brilliant

Computing is no longer fun. Chip design looked interesting, kinda like a giant game of tetris, but that, alas is gone from this area.

So, raising chickens and planning for next year's garden....

[Since1982]

I'm trying to learn to write code, so I can become the worlds oldest billionaire like the Face Book's originator did.

[Taj]

The building engineer (maintenance guy) will tighten the nut with which ever wrench is handy all the while cursing the sheepskinned engineers for putting the damn thing in an impossibly inaccessible place to begin with.

The locomotive engineer will put the nut in his lunchbox because he needs one that size at home.

[crfriend]

I was going to recommend a short hilarious bit on YouTube featuring a young Dilbert and his mom, but it seems that Google/YouTube have gone rogue and are demanding a version of Adobe Flash that does not exist, or may be virus-infested. The clip is known as "The Knack", but search for it at our own peril.

For the impatient, or the security minded, the punch line is the young Dilbert's mother sobbing, "Can he lead a normal life?" and the doctor proclaiming, "No, he'll be an engineer."

Sometimes I really -- really -- hate technology, and especially the inane toddler-like pursuit of "new! shiny!". Idiots. What ever happened to your mantra of "Don't do evil?" Well, Google? What of it!

[sapphire]

I liked new shiny when it made sense. Hasn't made sense in decades.

[Milfmog]

The building engineer (maintenance guy) will tighten the nut with which ever wrench is handy all the while cursing the sheepskinned engineers for putting the damn thing in an impossibly inaccessible place to begin with.

The locomotive engineer will put the nut in his lunchbox because he needs one that size at home.

I like those and will add them to my list.

Thanks.

Have fun,


Ian.