Coming out -- one small step

[AMM]

I've decided that it is time for me to "come out" a little to my religious community.

(Hopefully, my use of the "r" word won't start a flame war.)

I've gone back and forth about it in my mind for quite a while, mostly because I'm not ready to have everyone in my town know about it yet. And I keep telling myself, what do my fashion choices have to do with my religious life?

But I've come to realize that it is hard-to-impossible to seek after truth in a community if there are significant things that you are not willing to talk about. It's the old "rhinoceros in the living room" problem. I've been finding myself more and more cut off from the community and caring less and less what happens there. For the first time in 25 years, I notice myself procrastinating over leaving for Meeting on Sunday morning, to the point that I'm sometimes 1/2 hour late.

I'm taking just a little step, though. We have a committee of people who handle the pastoral role, and I've asked one of them to suggest times when I can talk to him for an hour or so.

My goal is not (yet) to wear skirts to Meeting whenever I feel like it, though I hope that I will someday reach that point. My goal is to have my preference for skirts not be a barrier between me and the rest of the community.

It's complicated by the fact that my ex-wife and my children are part of the community, and I am not yet ready to deal with them over the issue. But perhaps with the help of the community I will be able to deal with it. (Or maybe not....)

Wish me luck!

-- AMM

[Milfmog]

Well, I'll wish you luck; after 80 views I'm surprised no one else has yet...

...however, I hope you don't need luck; just the quiet confidence and reason that I'm sure you can provide.

Telling friends and colleagues is often seen as difficult, but in my experience is not problematic beyond some leg pulling from friends. Families can be a whole different ball game though and I guess that is where I'm rootin' for you.

I'll keep my fingers crossed (metaphoricallyspeaking, my typing is bad enough normally )

Have fun,


Ian.

[binx]

Not to keen to wear skirts but do wear kilts to Meeting each week, some that could qualify as a skirt...Have gotten comments as to heritage, even in a denim UK. However, if skirts are the only thing affecting attendance, you may have more going on than apparel.

binx

[AMM]

... if skirts are the only thing affecting attendance, you may have more going on than apparel.

I would agree that it's "more ... than apparel". After all, considering all my internal Sturm und Drang over the skirt-wearing, I must have some strong motivation to continue in this direction despite the emotional discomfort. It must be more than just a dumb piece of cloth.

One thing is that the feeling that I "can't talk about" is enough to create a barrier between me and everyone else. I feel like I'm lying with my silence. (I think maybe this is the sort of thing gay people who are "in the closet" go through.)

But I also think the skirt-wearing itself has something to do with not hiding my inner self, since I feel most of the time like I act out a false self that is based on what I think people will accept. When I put on trousers, most of the time I feel like I'm knuckling under to social pressure to be a certain kind of false self, and when I come home and change into a skirt, I feel like I'm letting myself out of my cage. I feel like a coward when I'm going Contra dancing and change in the car, instead of wearing my skirt from my apartment to the garage, but am terrified to let my neighbors see me in a skirt.

But I still don't know why the "not wanting to hide" comes out as wanting to wear a skirt.

Maybe I'll know better in 20 years (if I live that long)

Or maybe not.

-- AMM

[WSmac]

AMM,

I am impressed with your desire to 'not live a lie', so-to-speak.
I do not attend any church although I have tried several in my lifetime.

I believe the whole apartment/church/out-and-about thing will indeed be shown as less an issue in your social standing and acceptance than you feel it may be for now.

I have found that if I present myself as a skirt-wearing male right off the bat, then no one has an opportunity later to have an issue with it.

BUT,

Seeing as how I lived in my community for 8 years or so before I started wearing any kind of skirted garment (my utilikilt for beginners), I have also gone through with introducing what I thought of as a 'controversial' image of me to my sleepy little town.

I found that the more I ventured out in various skirts the more comfortable I became and so, the more willing I was to dress as I liked more often.
My wife is not yet my ex, and our daughter is 13 now, but I did not allow this to stop me from expressing myself. My daughter has not gotten any flack at school for my 'behaviours' ( I think it helped that I ran barefoot and acted a bit eccentric anyway) and she is fine with my selection of garments.

You and I are quite possibly two very different individuals, but I do hope you find peace within yourself through the freedom of self-expression. I know I have.

I think talking it over with someone who's opinion you value, from your church, might be a good path for you.
I do hope this person you have chosen to speak with is a caring and open-minded individual.
I believe that if they are, they'll offer you support and verification that your choices are right for you, and you should not live under the stress of hiding from others something so insignificant in relation to the big blue marble we live on.

You know, I'm sure, that you will only find relief by finding freedom.
As for your children, I can't recall if you've mentioned how old they are or what they've been taught about your longing for skirts, but do know that as long as the children know you love them they'll accept you no matter the issue, in all likelyhood.

It's a real struggle to walk out that door, keep you head up high, and not peer around to gauge the reactions of others, but you need to take that walk... the sooner the better.

I wish you well in all this. Sad to say that if your church cannot accept you and all you are, you should seek a place where your spiritual needs can be met and your physical self can be welcomed with open arms.

Take care and may you fare well!

[Butterfly Bill]

You don't say what kind of religious community it is (you say "meeting" and that sounds Quaker). What is the position of your church on gay and transgendered people? Are they by chance officially "Welcoming and Affirming"? If your church is liberal and in favor of sexual equality, you can probably wear a skirt. I wore dresses every Sunday for six years to the Unity church I was a member of. You can also surely do it in a Unitarian/universalist one. I have even done it in the Episcopal church here in town, the one where they have the PFLAG meetings.

[skirttron]

It's so strange that while in church we worship someone who maybe never wore trousers, some who turn up there seem to think there is something wrong if you don't. This is, unfortunately, the force of mass conformity, not faith.

[WSmac]

It's so strange that while in church we worship someone who maybe never wore trousers, some who turn up there seem to think there is something wrong if you don't. This is, unfortunately, the force of mass conformity, not faith.

I can agree with that!
Nice comment skirttron!