Big year for me

[RyeOfTheDead]

So my New Year's Resolution for 2009 was simple, this was the year I was going to get comfortable with being open about my skirt wearing and other mild "crossdressing". (I know not everyone likes that term, I apologize, it's just the word I'm most familiar with to encompass what I've done for so long.) I had already reached the point where I wasn't feeling guilty about it or that there was something wrong with me, but I had to stop being so worried about other people.

So that's been this year. A quick list of the things I've accomplished this year:

Wore my Sportkilt when there was no reason to do so, as in didn't wear it only because there was an Irish festival or St. Patty's Day party. Wore it onstage when performing my stand up comedy act, multiple times, including the open mic that I'm a regular at, and even more impressive to me, a dive bar where the crowd could be a little hostile and "good ole boy"ish. Wore it to "ComFest" a big annual community festival here in Columbus, OH where I was also performing stand up in a tent, and also wore it the next day to the fest when I wasn't performing, but did manage to confidently flirt with a girl and get her number. Told a male friend who is fellow comedian and writing partner that I crossdress sometimes. With encouragement from him and a lot of other friends that already knew about me, I finally decided to openly admit in my act onstage that I crossdress and doing bits about it. Gone in a skirt to the movies, the coffee shop that I write at, and as of today, a big pedestrian shopping mall. And yesterday, I posted an album pictures of myself on my facebook page in various skirts and kilts.

When I met my friend at the mall today in the skirt, she commented on it and how proud she was of me that I've gotten to the point where I'd just throw it on and meet her with it not being a special occasion or even talking about it first like "should i?!" I told her that I had been thinking about it on the way there, and how until this year, I had often had two voices in my thoughts arguing over wearing a skirt or not. There used to be a really timid voice that wanted to do it and would lobby for it but would get talked out of it by my insecurities and some really forced arguments as to why I shouldn't. But since I've made this big push to be open and public about it and since the reaction from everyone has largely been either positive or indifferent there has been a real shift in power. Now, the voice that says "I want to wear a skirt!" is the poweful dominant one and the small timid voice is the insecurities, which are quickly shot down.

2009 has been a great year for me. In fact, wearing skirts has become such a non issue for me that after we finished brunch and were leaving the restaurant, I was brushing crumbs off my skirt and my friend was like "Wow, I completely forgot you were wearing a skirt!"

[Uncle Al]

Rye,

You have a great confident look to you, and you wear it well

Uncle Al

[crfriend]

I seem to be thinking in two word sentences here, and here's what I've got: "Success story!", "Well done!", and, based on the final paragraph, "You've arrived."

Congratulations, sir! Not to mention,

[Since1982]

Rye said: open about my skirt wearing and other mild "crossdressing". (I know not everyone likes that term, I apologize, it's just the word I'm most familiar with to encompass what I've done for so long.)

IMHO, you're only "crossdressing" if you're wearing something ONLY women SHOULD wear. ie: panties, a bra, or any other thing that a woman needs to look like a woman. ANY other thing, ie: dresses, skirts, blouses, (some men's shirts are also known as blouses) shoes (of any kind) etc. WORN by a man becomes a Man's clothes because HE is wearing it.

[kiltsrawesome]

Good for you! Whenever I wear a skirt in front of friends for the first time, they're usually a bit surprised, but after they're used to it they don't even notice I'm wearing a skirt at all.

[RyeOfTheDead]

IMHO, you're only "crossdressing" if you're wearing something ONLY women SHOULD wear. ie: panties, a bra, or any other thing that a woman needs to look like a woman. ANY other thing, ie: dresses, skirts, blouses, (some men's shirts are also known as blouses) shoes (of any kind) etc. WORN by a man becomes a Man's clothes because HE is wearing it.

Like I said, I know not everyone likes the term, and as I said in another post I tend to have a more liberal view of it than others on this forum. Frankly I just have identified myself as a "crossdresser" for so long that to me it just still feels the easiest term to use to describe myself when someone asks. Most people don't have any idea what "Braveheart" or "Freestyler" means in regards to fashion. To me the term "crossdressing" applies because what I am doing is crossing the gender barrier and bringing back the clothes I like.

But honestly all these terms mean different things to different people. For example, I always cringed when younger whenever Eddie Izzard called himself a transvestite even though he was openly dressing as a man in women's clothes and not as a woman, but as I got older I just decided, if that's how he views himself that's his prerogative.

I view crossdressing as an umbrella term, where as others, especially on this board, seem to view it as meaning a very specific thing. Knowing that though and since I am basically starting anew here, I'll make an effort to avoid using the "C" word on this site from now on to describe what we do, as I'm not looking to stir up trouble.

[SkirtedViking]

If you are not wearing things that are for female anatomy you are not crossdressing in my opinion- I wear all the tops/blouses,skirts,dresses,heels that I like from the so called women's section and still look and behave as a male - see many women do the same with the man's section and so on.

[crfriend]

[...] Like I said, I know not everyone likes the term, and as I said in another post I tend to have a more liberal view of it than others on this forum. [...] I view crossdressing as an umbrella term, where as others, especially on this board, seem to view it as meaning a very specific thing.

Most of us in the SkirtCafe community tend to use the term "crossdresser" (and the identical-meaning "transvestite") in the way it gets bandied about in colloquial English -- and it's usually as a pejorative, which is why we don't care for it much. In colloquial speech, "crossdressing" for men occurs when the very first item of non-male-stereotype clothing is donned, and, by definition (at least if one takes the DSM at its word) cannot occur in women; this also tends to set teeth on edge.

So, it's not a case of "avoid the use of the term", but rather one of, "be careful how one uses it." And also be aware that it's the only one the public tends to be aware of; as you correctly point out, John and Joan Public have no clue what a "Freestyler" or a "Braveheart" is.

Part of the thrust here is not only to develop and advocate for functional good-looking skirted rigs for men, it's also to develop a language of men's skirts and all the accoutrements that distinguish the style from "orthodox crossdressers". Language is an incredibly powerful tool -- and can be manipulated for both good and evil; in our copious free time we're trying to develop the language for the betterment of getting the style accepted in western culture -- and this necessarily means making a break with the current language.

[RyeOfTheDead]

Like I said, I understand that my views on it are different. I doubt that I'm going to convince any of you that hate the term to embrace it, and I doubt any of you are going to convince me to not be bothered by it when someone uses it to describe me or what I do. I don't really feel I hear it that often as a pejorative, I typically hear meat heads use terms like "shemale" and "tranny" and "she he" and "shim" or such like that, or "sissy." For me though, I view the word "crossdresser" the way some gay people view "queer." If someone says "You're a crossdresser?" my response is typically of the"Yeah, and?" variety as opposed to trying to get into a semantics argument about being a man in a skirt but still a man...

For the sake of discussion though, let me ask you this, since I have done this before, if I went out in public in full head to toe women's clothes, high heels, skirt, women's top, makeup, and even a wig, but made no attempt to actually shape myself like a women's body, I wore no padded bra, none of the shapewear or "tucking" garments that transvestites wear when trying to "pass," would you view me as crossdressing? Before I started frequently wearing skirts as just a part of my daily wardrobe I went out a handful of time with my friend Lauren to a few lesbian bars and that's how I dressed. Wig, makeup, once a dress, other times a skirt, heels sometimes, women's flat's others. Tights in the winter, shaved legs in the summer. Was I crossdressing? If someone talked to me I used my male voice, acted like myself and called myself "Rye."

*edit* Note: I'm not trying to be antagonistic here, I honestly just want to know where the line is drawn.

[Kris]

For the sake of discussion though, let me ask you this, since I have done this before, if I went out in public in full head to toe women's clothes, high heels, skirt, women's top, makeup, and even a wig, but made no attempt to actually shape myself like a women's body, I wore no padded bra, none of the shapewear or "tucking" garments that transvestites wear when trying to "pass," would you view me as crossdressing? Before I started frequently wearing skirts as just a part of my daily wardrobe I went out a handful of time with my friend Lauren to a few lesbian bars and that's how I dressed. Wig, makeup, once a dress, other times a skirt, heels sometimes, women's flat's others. Tights in the winter, shaved legs in the summer. Was I crossdressing? If someone talked to me I used my male voice, acted like myself and called myself "Rye."

*edit* Note: I'm not trying to be antagonistic here, I honestly just want to know where the line is drawn.

An interesting and difficult question.
Some women are pretty "shapeless". So if someone didn't hear you speak (or look for distinctly male clues like an Adam's apple, or your hands) they might mistake you for a woman in that scenario. To me, "crossdressing" would be an appropriate term.
But since you acted and spoke as a male, and used a gender-neutral name, maybe ...
Other terms not yet mentioned here (IIRC) are gender blending, gender bending, gender queer, and gender f**k. Any or all might be used for that kind of presentation. (I don't plan to explore the meanings and nuances of any of those, let alone spell the last one out.)

Kris

[Since1982]

If someone says "You're a crossdresser?" my response is typically of the"Yeah, and?"

I'm old and unfortunately think more in yes and no or bright and dim or confrontive or not confrontive. To me, that response if stopped at "Yeah" means nothing..but with "Yeah, and?" it becomes confrontational. Unless you're looking for a fight with someone, I think the "and" should be left off. Just my opinion.

[RyeOfTheDead]

(I don't plan to explore the meanings and nuances of any of those, let alone spell the last one out.)

I guess that's sort of the meat of why I'm ok with "crossdressing." The thing that I most hate within the vast yet narrow group of people who wear clothing that deviates from the current social standards for their gender, is that there is just this litany of terms that all mean different things to everyone and that people bicker over or balk at. Personally I get tired of trying to figure out the meanings and nuances of all of them, let alone wanting to explain them to people. And then with stuff like "genderf**k" I feel like the term itself is openly antagonistic in nature simply by having the swear word in it.

So for me, people are either going to get used to the fact that I wear skirts or not, but it's not going to be because of which term I insist they use.

Having said all that, I will reiterate my point, that I am aware that my particular views and definitions of "crossdressing" vary from that of the established dialogue on this board, so I will make sure from now on the SkirtCafe to only use the term in the context that you folks view it as, so as not to be confusing.

To me, that response if stopped at "Yeah" means nothing..but with "Yeah, and?" it becomes confrontational. Unless you're looking for a fight with someone, I think the "and" should be left off. Just my opinion.

You have a valid point, to be honest I wasn't really speaking in direct quotes of how a conversation goes, just more a general idea. Usually when someone asks me if I crossdress, which has come up a lot more lately since I started talking about it onstage in my act, I just acknowledge it and then move on, or answer any questions they have if they're honestly curious.

[Bob]

RyeOfTheDead...

In my mind, the difference between a guy in a skirt and crossdressing has nothing to do with what you wear; it lies in whether or not you define a separate "en femme" identity for yourself while wearing it. Play acting a feminine character --- and trying to get the general public to believe it --- is a large part of crossdressing. Crossdressing has a theatric element to it. Most people think this stuff is kind of weird (except on Halloween), and they don't like being deceived. So the crossdressing communities also place a heavy emphasis on secrecy, all of which makes it even weirder.

That is all very different from SkirtCafe. The most important difference at SkirtCafe is that public openness with our fashion choices is a core value. And we recognize that wearing a skirt does not change one's identity from "Rye" to "Suzi" (or whatever). These kinds of attitudes ideas get people kicked out of crossdressing communities, and Men's Fashion Freedom becomes the only place they can go. Unfortunately, Fashion Freedom still flies under the radar in our society's general discourse, compared to crossdressing, transsexuals, etc.

For an excellent in-depth overview of what the crossdressing scene is like, I recommend "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. It is written by a wife of a crossdresser. She offers a lot of great insight on gender identity and relations in general, as well as information specific to what crossdressing is all about. As fascinating as it all is, it is also very clear that what we are doing at SkirtCafe is VERY different from what she describes.

[tooslowprius]

Well, I am glad too see thing's are looking up for you as far as your act and letting people see the "Real You" so to speak. I mean with me my biggest fear was that people I work with found out that I wore a skirt and what they would think of me! Well, let's just say that after my partner let the cat out of the bag for me on facebook I was surprised by people's reaction's. Not really a word said for the most part. Just the usual ribbing that you would get. I had one female medic say she thinks I would look good in a skirt. I know she has seen a picture of me in a skirt and heels cause I have one on my myspace page and twitter page. I can trully say that I have come a long way in my skirt wearing! My biggest obsticle is my wife and my side of the family. Like I have said before you are who you are and why should you change who you are just to make other's happy? Well good luck on the rest of your adventure's in skirting!