Gender Non-Conformance and Religion

[jamie001]

I would like some advice from members of the Cafe that have experience with wearing skirts and/or other items of clothing to religious services and Church functions. I am Catholic and am not going to change my religion. When I attend Catholic Mass, I do not wear a skirt and remove any other items that are considered gender nonconforming such as earrings and nail polish.

It seems the the Catholic Congregation is extremely conservative because I have never seen a man or a boy with long hair or even a tiny stud earring. I really wish that I could be myself and wear a conservative skirt, earrings, and nail polish. Have Cafe members had any experience with this situation? How did you handle it, and what do you recommend?

I also do not wear skirts and other items that are considered to be gender nonconforming around my family because most of them are Southern Baptist and are hillbilly-ish in their thought processes.

Thanks in advance for thoughts and advice,

Jamie

[Faldaguy]

There are several of us who post here that have mentioned wearing their skirts to their own churches -- a couple I can think of are fairly conservative bodies. I wear my skirts pretty much everywhere including Quaker Meetings, but at times to other likely more conservative churches. I've attended 7th. Day Adventist and Catholic services &/or events here in macho Latin America & not found the responses any different than all the other places I go. Most of us don't have a need or wish to attend spiritual bodies outside of those we have adopted to our own place of comfort.

As to family, this seems to be yet another 'bridge too far" for some; and I understand. I have two siblings that don't agree with my choices, as I don't with many of theirs -- but I elect to be me, and they can like or dislike me regardless of my choice of clothing. I frankly doubt those who you feel would not tolerate your wearing a skirt, are going to change much -- your status in their eyes is no doubt already in doubt and not going to change regardless of what covers your body. You simply have to choose for yourself -- to be yourself, or to cower in the face of other's opinions. That may sound harsh, but I suspect if you analysis your true reasoning, you will find it is "only you" not the other who is controlling your choice. I also suspect you will actually feel better once you've mastered being yourself, in much the same way you have with each small step along the path to wearing your chosen clothes in other public venues.

[jamie001]

There are several of us who post here that have mentioned wearing their skirts to their own churches -- a couple I can think of are fairly conservative bodies. I wear my skirts pretty much everywhere including Quaker Meetings, but at times to other likely more conservative churches. I've attended 7th. Day Adventist and Catholic services &/or events here in macho Latin America & not found the responses any different than all the other places I go. Most of us don't have a need or wish to attend spiritual bodies outside of those we have adopted to our own place of comfort.

As to family, this seems to be yet another 'bridge too far" for some; and I understand. I have two siblings that don't agree with my choices, as I don't with many of theirs -- but I elect to be me, and they can like or dislike me regardless of my choice of clothing. I frankly doubt those who you feel would not tolerate your wearing a skirt, are going to change much -- your status in their eyes is no doubt already in doubt and not going to change regardless of what covers your body. You simply have to choose for yourself -- to be yourself, or to cower in the face of other's opinions. That may sound harsh, but I suspect if you analysis your true reasoning, you will find it is "only you" not the other who is controlling your choice. I also suspect you will actually feel better once you've mastered being yourself, in much the same way you have with each small step along the path to wearing your chosen clothes in other public venues.

Falada,
Thanks for the insight and advice. I guess it is a good thing that my family lives 2,000 miles from me, otherwise I would probably have to confront the issue. I probably didn't make it clear how homophobic they really are. They still use the word fag and faggot and lump all gender nonconforming folks in the fag category. They hate anyone that is LGBTQ and believe that those folks should be removed from the earth. The irony is that they are very religious! Also they are MAGA to the max even with the gas prices and the cost of living being out of control. You are correct that it is me who is controlling my choice and only I can affect change.

[Faldaguy]

There are several of us who post here that have mentioned wearing their skirts to their own churches -- a couple I can think of are fairly conservative bodies. I wear my skirts pretty much everywhere including Quaker Meetings, but at times to other likely more conservative churches. I've attended 7th. Day Adventist and Catholic services &/or events here in macho Latin America & not found the responses any different than all the other places I go. Most of us don't have a need or wish to attend spiritual bodies outside of those we have adopted to our own place of comfort.

As to family, this seems to be yet another 'bridge too far" for some; and I understand. I have two siblings that don't agree with my choices, as I don't with many of theirs -- but I elect to be me, and they can like or dislike me regardless of my choice of clothing. I frankly doubt those who you feel would not tolerate your wearing a skirt, are going to change much -- your status in their eyes is no doubt already in doubt and not going to change regardless of what covers your body. You simply have to choose for yourself -- to be yourself, or to cower in the face of other's opinions. That may sound harsh, but I suspect if you analysis your true reasoning, you will find it is "only you" not the other who is controlling your choice. I also suspect you will actually feel better once you've mastered being yourself, in much the same way you have with each small step along the path to wearing your chosen clothes in other public venues.

Falada,
Thanks for the insight and advice. I guess it is a good thing that my family lives 2,000 miles from me, otherwise I would probably have to confront the issue. I probably didn't make it clear how homophobic they really are. They still use the word fag and faggot and lump all gender nonconforming folks in the fag category. They hate anyone that is LGBTQ and believe that those folks should be removed from the earth. The irony is that they are very religious! Also they are MAGA to the max even with the gas prices and the cost of living being out of control. You are correct that it is me who is controlling my choice and only I can affect change.

And who knows, YOU might the one to get them out of their blind box. Often times, even our "haters' actually admire us; or intuitively know we have figured some things out that they haven't, so your example "might" help them see a different light. I'd not count on it, but stranger things have been known to happen.

[mr seamstress]

I would like some advice from members of the Cafe that have experience with wearing skirts and/or other items of clothing to religious services and Church functions. I am Catholic and am not going to change my religion. When I attend Catholic Mass, I do not wear a skirt and remove any other items that are considered gender nonconforming such as earrings and nail polish.

It seems the the Catholic Congregation is extremely conservative because I have never seen a man or a boy with long hair or even a tiny stud earring. I really wish that I could be myself and wear a conservative skirt, earrings, and nail polish. Have Cafe members had any experience with this situation? How did you handle it, and what do you recommend?

I also do not wear skirts and other items that are considered to be gender nonconforming around my family because most of them are Southern Baptist and are hillbilly-ish in their thought processes.

Thanks in advance for thoughts and advice,

Jamie

I have been in a Pentecost church and First United Methodist Church (catholic) while wearing dresses and skirts. Just be yourself.
Talk to the head of church and communicate how you like to be dress and ask to be accepted. There shouldn't be any problems. I am confident you will be accepted.

[Uncle Al]

I wore denim skirts when rebuilding/installing a pipe organ in a 7th Day Adventist Church.
Played the console and tuned pipes wearing a skirted rig. No Problem.

Uncle Al

[jamie001]

Thank you Faldaguy, Mr Seamstress, and Uncle Al for you advice and insights.

[jamie001]

Thank you Faldaguy, Mr Seamstress, and Uncle Al for your very much appreciated advice and insights.

[MrSoapsud]

I wore skirts occasionally at the church we used to go to. I had several positive comments and checked with a number of people that they were ok with it. Then 1 of the leaders took me aside and asked me to think about Deut 22:5 which I did and told him it was relevant. Then this was escalated to "a number of people have complained" although these were private complaints to the leaders - no-one said anything negative to my face. Fast-forward a while and my offer to serve as a trustee of the charity behind the church was declined as "a number of people" objected "because of my clothing choices". A little while later and one of the elders took me aside and basically lectured me on "sin". Subsequent meeting with the new leadership confirmed that my wife and I would not be considered for serving in any capacity and so we left. (My wife has problems with her mental health.)

[Barleymower]

I wore skirts occasionally at the church we used to go to. I had several positive comments and checked with a number of people that they were ok with it. Then 1 of the leaders took me aside and asked me to think about Deut 22:5 which I did and told him it was relevant. Then this was escalated to "a number of people have complained" although these were private complaints to the leaders - no-one said anything negative to my face. Fast-forward a while and my offer to serve as a trustee of the charity behind the church was declined as "a number of people" objected "because of my clothing choices". A little while later and one of the elders took me aside and basically lectured me on "sin". Subsequent meeting with the new leadership confirmed that my wife and I would not be considered for serving in any capacity and so we left. (My wife has problems with her mental health.)

I was actually a little shocked to read this MrS. It really makes me wonder where people get off their high horses and think they are in the right telling people how to live their lives.

Does it depend on the religion you belong to? My children all went to the same Catholic school and I went to mass with them, often in a skirt. Noone ever mentioned it or said anything for that matter. It was just ignored. I occasionally overheard '"whispered words" that I was meant to hear. Nothing more.

[GerdG]

I wore skirts occasionally at the church we used to go to. I had several positive comments and checked with a number of people that they were ok with it. Then 1 of the leaders took me aside and asked me to think about Deut 22:5 which I did and told him it was relevant. Then this was escalated to "a number of people have complained" although these were private complaints to the leaders - no-one said anything negative to my face. Fast-forward a while and my offer to serve as a trustee of the charity behind the church was declined as "a number of people" objected "because of my clothing choices". A little while later and one of the elders took me aside and basically lectured me on "sin". Subsequent meeting with the new leadership confirmed that my wife and I would not be considered for serving in any capacity and so we left. (My wife has problems with her mental health.)

Absolutely stupid.

"A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

But who defines what is men’s clothing and what is women’s clothing? If men are not allowed to wear skirts, how come women can wear trousers without being sinners? Half of the population.

But aren’t we all sinners, because we no longer wear what men and women did when Moses received the message?
And what might have been the difference between men’s and women’s garments? Probably the difference was very little; men’s tunic-like garments might have been slightly shorter than those of the women, and there might have been some differences in ornamentation. But that’s all. And men didn't wear trousers. Jesus never wore trousers.

Leaving that church was the right thing to do.

Sorry to hear about your wife's problems.

[Jim]

"A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

If anyone quotes that to you, find it in the Bible and point out that the same chapter requires tassels on all four corners of your garment. Check to see if they are obeying this command.

[jamie001]

"A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

If anyone quotes that to you, find it in the Bible and point out that the same chapter requires tassels on all four corners of your garment. Check to see if they are obeying this command.

Jim, that is a very good point. Even though the majority of us are not homosexual, many religious folks are very homophobic and assigned the label of “homosexual” to any man that doesn’t conform to their gender stereotypes. It is really a sad state of affairs that we are living in 2026 and we still have these issues to deal with. Sometimes I get really discouraged like CR, but usually after a few Prozacs I am good to go again.

[Coder]

As a Catholic I’ve struggled a bit with this - and being a member of a conservative church, I know that I would draw too much unwanted attention. I do see guys wearing earrings or wearing long hair - but always in a “masculine” style/context. It disappoints me - but at the same token it’s a sacrifice I am content making - and frankly doesn’t frustrate me too much.

Ultimately I think the problem comes down to a misunderstanding of what we are about (fashion freedom) vs other reasons one may wear a skirt or other clothing or accessories that may go against or brush up against church teaching. There’s really no way to announce one’s reasons, and I think culture is a bit heated to a point where reasonable discussion is impossible.