A little humor...

[Since1982]

1. You know what kind of cosmetic surgery you never hear about?? Nose enlargement!

2. What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying thru a fireworks display??

3. Have you ever groped blindly around the stuff in a suitcase trying to find something and then realize with horror that the razor blades have come unwrapped??

4. At what part of a journey does an emigrant become an immigrant??

5. Why do they call it a Garbage Disposal?? It's not garbage until you dispose of it...

6. Is the Kidney a bean shaped organ, or is the bean a kidney shaped legume??

'nuff for now'

[DALederle]

Here's a little more:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

10. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put 'DOCTOR.'

11. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way -- so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

14. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

15. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

16. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

17. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

18. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

19. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

20. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

22. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

23. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Number 14 is one of my favorites!
Dennis A. Lederle

Live Long and Perspire!

[Kirbstone]

Thanks Skip & Dennis. Every one a gem. Problem is remembering them to bring up at dinner table conversation.

Tom K.

[Milfmog]

Dennis,

Your first one has been concealed in my signature strip for about six months now*. Has subliminal advertising pushed it to the top of you consciousness?

Have fun,


Ian.

* I added it after the return to the forum of an idiot in the hopes that he'd work out why I chose to ignore the childish adhominem attack he launched. Sadly, based on some of his posts, I doubt whether he understands.

[Milfmog]

In the spirit of this thread I offer:

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese

Advice to worms: sleep in

Where there's a will, there's a relative

If life is a tapestry, I must be the dropped stitch

Is water on the brain caused by a tap on the head?

Have you ever considered that DNA may stand for National Dyslexic Association?

Who first milked a cow? And what did he think he was doing?

The only thing worse than finding a worm in your apple is finding half a worm in your apple

Have fun,


Ian.

[Uncle Al]

The following came from my after dinner Fortune Cookie last night:

A person of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

Interesting

Uncle Al

[Milfmog]

The following came from my after dinner Fortune Cookie last night:

A person of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

Interesting

I do hope you're not trying to say I talk too much...

Have fun,


Ian.

[Uncle Al]

I do hope you're not trying to say I talk too much...

Have fun,


Ian.

Not hardly, just some "Food for Thought:
(Gotta stir up some brain cells every now and then )

Uncle Al

[crfriend]

I do hope you're not trying to say I talk too much...

I think I may be in the crosshairs there as I tend to be rather wordy in my composition.

[Kirbstone]

.....and Apparently the Insomniac Dislexic Agnostic stayed up all night looking for a Dog!

Tom K.

[Milfmog]

Then there was the dyslexic pimp who wasted a fortune on a warehouse...

[Since1982]

I would guess that the person who put this> ''{A person of words and not of deeds}{ is like a garden full of weeds}.''< in the cookie was not an English speaking person. Just copying words without knowing what they meant. I'd have thought it should go like this>> ''A person of words but not deeds is like a garden of weeds''...cutting out 3 extraneous words, and adding a necessary one. Cut out "and, of" in first stanza, and cut out "full" in the 2nd stanza. Correct me of you disagree.

Adding "but"..and making it all one stanza.

[crfriend]

I would guess that the person who put this> ''{A person of words and not of deeds}{ is like a garden full of weeds}.''< in the cookie was not an English speaking person.

That's in an approximation of meter, so it qualifies as poetry and is hence not beholden to the rules of strict grammar.

An alternate way to express it might be:

Code: Select all

A person of words and not of deeds/
amounts to little more/
than a gardenful of weeds.

I candidly admit that poetry was never my strong point during my formal "educational period", but there's something about it that remains positively captivating. Whether it's T.S.Eliot musing

Code: Select all

The naming of cats is a serious matter/
it's not just one of your holiday games./
At first you might think me as mad as a hatter/
when I tell you that a cat must have three separate names.

or the various semi-obscene limericks that we blokes all learnt as kiddies.

Or this bit that got me sent to the Headmaster's office (although they call them "Principals" in the US) as a wee lad because I hated regurgitating other authors' poetry:

Code: Select all

By the crude plank that crossed the mud,/
his shirt to April's breeze unfurled;/
here once the noisy drunkard stood/
and burped the belch heard 'round the world.

Yes, I had it coming, but it was a damned fine recitation while it lasted. (There was also the time I got "sent to the office" for singing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" with the proper lyrics of "God Save The Queen".) I so hated grammar school.

[Uncle Al]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "I think I just messed up."






Uncle Al

[Kirbstone]

------And then there was the English schoolteacher who got a job in Boston teaching Geography as a foreign language!