Bad news, good news & $64 question

[Brandy]

Bad news;
My mother is very sick in nursing home and is not expected to last but a few more days. I am getting on airplane tomorrow to go home.

Good news;
Her pain and suffering may soon be over. Her last few years there was a lot of pain and not much fun, she endured it all with few complaints.

Even though I have mostly come to terms with the idea mom is still mom and will be forever and it still hurts.

$64 question:
Knowing my family my skirt wearing probably would not go over very well. They have accepted the UK kilts after only a little ribbing. I have made up a suit that has the optional long skirt which I will take along just in case.

??? General my family and family friends are good strong Lutherans I'm not sure spring a skirt in Church at Moms Funeral is a good idea. The occasion is not about me but .... I know what I am most comfortable in.

-- Brandy

[Ray]

Brandy, sad news. This may be a time, however, when the comfort of the many outweighs the comfort of the one. I'd go conventional on this occasion. Ray

[Sarongman]

Brandy, My deepest condolences. This is a difficult time for all, and I would also counsel what you already know, trousered at this family time is the only course of action.

[crfriend]

Brandy, I am saddened by your news, and my heart goes out to you.

On the topic of attire, it might be worth recalling that funerals and the like are for the benefit of the survivors, so out of respect for others who are grieving, I'd advise the trouser option -- especially if you've experienced friction in the past. This is one day -- albeit one that will live with you for a long time -- but once it's done, and you've parted ways with the others, you can happily go back to wearing precisely what you want.

One of the magic things about clothing is that one can swap pieces out to one's heart's content; one can embrace what's best one moment, and swap it out quickly for something "expedient", and get on with things; if one becomes uncomfortable with something, it can be changed very easily. We as skirtsmen have an advantage over our trousered-only brethren in that we have a broader tableau with which to express ourselves -- and that tableau also includes trousers when something more "avante-gard" would jar sensibilities.

Best of luck, and persevere.

[r.m.anderson]

Brandy I echo others with my deepest of condolences.

If mom knew of your skirt-kilt wearing and has not indicated any thoughts on what you should/would wear at
the time of her passing then personally I would wear a tartan pattern or solid black kilt but not the skirt.
The skirt would not be the choice in that you as a prime member of the family will be in the front row of the
memorial service and front and center at the grave site.
A kilt on the other hand would make a strong positive statement that no one would mistake for any disrespect !
The utilikit (UK) may be questionable as an item of formal funeral gear unless it is all black.
I am not the expert in these matters - you might check with other family members in advance or even the funeral
home director for any protocol.

Pardon if I am so blunt my sympathies are with you in making difficult decisions.

rm

[Brandy]

Thank you all for your comments I appreciate all the remarks and condolences.

Over the course of years reading threads here I have come to appreciate the combined wisdom of everyone here. So many times I have read a post and the answer was obvious. Today I had the questions and every one had the same thoughts much like the ones I was having. Being aware of the sensibilities of family and friends this is not one of the times to push the issue, there will be time for that later.

As for mom yes she knew about the Kilt wearing and did not mind. The nurses/attendents at the nursing home loved it! A number of years ago my sister and I were talking about the kilts and I mentioned and showed her pictures of me in long skirts. I thought she would filp, she barely batted an eye. She like the style I presented and did not mind. Brother-law well ???? Sister and I then talk some more and sis mentioned some of the dresses she made for her self, really nice. My sister the hot chick!!! I would have never known.

Again thank you for all the comments, I'll be taking the skirt with me but will probably not wear it, mostly because it is already packed.

-- Brandy

[Uncle Al]

Brandy;

You have my condolences I went through this 3 years ago.
I was in trousers the whole time. Too bloody cold and wet
to be in a kilt. Depending on where you're going, a family
tartan (with dress shirt,tie and coat) would be in order. If you
don't have a family tartan, stick with the trousers at the funeral.
Afterwords, changing into the kilt/skirt would show the others
the respect you had during the service, yet during the 'remembering'
get together you can be more relaxed. Then, if the situation
deems necessary, staying in trousers might be your best option.
While traveling to and from your destination city, you're still on
your own, so comfort can be maintained.

What ever you decide, our thoughts and prayers are with you

Uncle Al

[Kilted Musician]

Hi Brandy,

My prayers and thoughts are with you during this painful time. I lost my mom 40 years ago and now my dad's having some serious health issues. If you want to get together sometime soon, just remember I'm next door, in San Jose...

--Rick

[Since1982]

Brandy, I'd echo most of the others, but just add this: When you're getting put in your own final box make sure it's very clear you go into the ground skirted. It's in the first paragraph of my own last Will and Testament, with a particular dark blue straight skirt, a black turtleneck shirt and a dark blue suit jacket put away just for that purpose. I'm not worried about shoes, no one ever sees shoes or feet at a funeral anyway.

I wouldn't take a chance of irritating anyone by accident. These are people you care about. Not strangers on the street. R.M.'s idea of a dark kilt might also work OK. Personally though, I wouldn't chance it without asking the others there in advance.

[Skirt Chaser]

My heart goes out to you Brandy. That long road of illnesses and wondering when it will end for our loved ones is wrenching.

I am going to be the voice of dissent here and offer an alternate opinion. Unless your father is still alive or another partner of your mother at the funeral that would take offense at a skirt then wear one if you feel like it. You are her closest relative along with your sister, it is usually rude to stand out at someone else's event but this *is* your event. If being dressed the way you normally do gives you comfort in the situation then do that. If any of your mother's church buddies are offended so be it, yet I do not think that would be the case anyway. You are a handsome figure in your tastefully combined outfits, that alone heads off most comment along with a few others writing it off as some oddball California thing, and a few more perhaps assuming you have gone nutty with grief. Let them think what they want, you already are good with that.

My grandmother died last month in similar lingering circumstances. We were grateful she was gone and the funeral when it came was truly a celebration as we remembered the person she had been rather than the ailing and mentally absent lady who preoccupied our minds for the past three years. I wore a grey dress with flowers to the funeral because I knew my parents and uncles and aunts would not mind a bit though they had chosen more traditionally somber clothes. My grandma loved flowers, it fit the occasion. Your mother loved you as you are Brandy, I think being your very assured self for her funeral is an appropriate tribute.

[Brandy]

Update;

I wore the trousers. In retrospect I could have gotten away with wearing the skirt. What became more important was getting to know my family members much better.

When it gets down to the nitty gritty it is as my brother said; “Mom does not care anymore, this is for the living". As such I think Mom would be proud her three sons actually sat down and talked to each other without the pressure of work, elder care, spouses etc. We had a very good two days with the three of us, and I had four days with my younger brother (Jan).

There a few other family connections re-made and Facebook was our medium. It is all part of the process as well as getting back to work.

There is still a mix of emotions rolling around but I know these well settle.

The next family gathering will take place at the end of July when I meet Jan's new wife’s family. Kilts are already on the menu and the new wife likes mine and has been tried to get Jan into one. I also showed her the skirt I brought along and she liked it saying it was a nice "manly skirt"; I got a little chuckle out of that, as the same skirt with a nice female inside looks very sexy. Just goes to show a nice skirt does not have gender or DNA and complement’s the wearer which ever gender.

Again I would like to thank everyone for their kind words and comments. This forum is a wealth of knowledge and compassion.

-- Brandy

[crfriend]

Brandy -- From the sounds of it, from sorrow came wisdom, peace, and potential when it comes to the other members of your family. For this, I am happy for you.

Your brother nailed it with his comment, for events like these are absolutely for the survivors -- and it seems you're in the midst of a robust crowd. If the lot of you were previously out of contact, or worse, estranged, that you came together would certainly have made your mom happy. Well done.

It sounds like you won't have a lick of problems with the skirts, either, which is a huge win! Anything that can assuage fears in a positive manner can only be beneficial. I hope your new connections are lasting and warm.