Getting found out - sorta???

[Coder]

Last night I did a bit of reading/netflixing, skirted as usual and in a pair of dark blue sweater tights, cause its freezing out. I got kinda tired so switched to pajamas and went to sleep while watching Netflix on the couch (therapy ), but somehow the tights ended up on top of the blanket basket inside a blanket. I couldn’t find them when I got up but was like, “oh, I’m sure they are in my room...”.

So inevitably my mom is getting a blanket out and says, holding them up, “What are these?” In an incredulous but confused voice. Like, something doesn’t compute. I’m not even sure she knew what they were, since I have left fabric around at times, and she was looking at them from the top down.

I was right there and grabbed them saying, “Oh, not sure, I’ll just take them”.

And that was that.

So, I’ve been worried for a while that she has known but not know why - one time she asked me why I got a few packages from thredup (she was curious and looked them up because they ship stuff in funky packages) which doesn’t carry mens clothes. It doesn’t help that I had left a receipt on the table one time which had a single line item for a skirt. That she said, “Is this yours?!?” At the time I mumbled something which wasn’t quite a lie, but not exactly the truth either.

I feel really terrible because I’m sure she suspects something is odd about her son, and probably fears the worst (ie, whatever mothers fear in these situations, I’m pretty confident what her fears would be). I’m just not prepared to rip the bandaid off, so to speak, especially if I’m reading the situation wrong. But I also don’t want her to keep having to carry some psychological burden either.

Arggggg. And no, I’m not upset, ashamed, or mad at meyself. I kinda feel like some of this is unconsciously deliberate.

[crfriend]

Here we have a classic example of what happens when we try to "keep secrets". Inevitably, they leak out, one way or the other, and all it takes is a moment's lapse of attention.

The answer here is to come clean on the matter with full transparency and no shading of anything. That means the bright harsh full light of day. Nothing else will do. There's a reason why folks here advocate for openness and honesty in matters, even if it costs them something in the short term. Humans are stupefyingly bad at keeping deception up for extended periods of time.

In the case of "alternate sartorial sense", wives are most notoriously bad about matters. I cannot even imagine what mothers must be like. Or fathers.

[Coder]

Yeah, I completely agree, I just avoid everything in life.

[crfriend]

Yeah, I completely agree, I just avoid everything in life.

There's no point in doing that. It's vastly more satisfying to hit it head on and let the chips fall where they may. Don't like the "rules"? Be the change you want to see in the world.

It's oft been said, "To the victor go the spoils.", but what never gets mentioned is that by staying on the sidelines and shying away from everything will guarantee than you never get a chance in the limelight. (The big secret is to give it a go even if you're terrified of the prospect. Also of note is that we learn more from failures than successes, so do not be afraid of the occasional failure.)

[mishawakaskirt]

Wow those are all decent slip ups.
Unless she is totally clueless in other areas. She is not clueless in this area.
She knows something is up, just not what.

I never told my parents, (not neccarily a good idea). and had a few close calls. (I don't recommend it) but it can be done, but at the cost of living life like Clark Kent and Superman. Having to worry will they find out.

Try to figure out a way to talk about it.
Drop clues and hints.

If she wears skirts, comment on it, that it looks comfortable,

Ask her thoughts on men in kilts, skirts, Longyi etc

or that your thinking about getting a kilt.

Some good ice breakers

Turn on the movie brave heart.
Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments.

Become a fan of Celkilt music videos on YouTube

Watch videos on YouTube of everyday KT the kilt man.

I'm surprised she didn't ask more questions when finding that skirt receipt. Or the leggings, tights or whatever it was?
(Either my son has a girlfriend or is a crossdresser)

It sounds like you have a good relationship ship with your mom.

How does she react to other things that maby were not your brightest moments? I had a few over the years.

If she suspects something and the longer you go, the greater the risk of it causing problems.

You value your mom's opinion, and her opinion of you. She will love knowing that you her son values her advice, thoughts and opinions.

Drop a few hints or comments like I listed above.

If you do have a talk about skirts, be prepared to answer her fears, there will be questions!! Be prepared to answer them.
******* be certain that you don't ask for her permission to wear skirts or kilts*******
Once you have done that your backed into a corner.
Don't back yourself into a corner.

[Coder]

Well, she personally doesn’t wear skirts except for the rare occasion, but generally hates them. Used to wear them though when younger. So she might have trouble understanding why - which I’m still trying to figure out myself - beside I like the aesthetic. Which is fine from a purely fashion standpoint. But boy - it could have a high social cost.

[nzfreestyler]

I think don't back yourself into a corner is great advice. Don't ask for permission - do it because ultimately it is your choice - but my advice would to be honest about it, its too hard to hide it over time and as has happened thus far you will get caught out.

For me my challenges with my parents was mainly with my mother, she was (and still is a little) concerned about how others will judge me, and her concerns have been alleviated a lot as she has seen my friends and also on a few occasions when we have been out as a family and I have been a little more 'out there' sort of on purpose she has seen that I don't get any troubles and it is not as bad as she fears it might be. Still its purely in most cases our parents care about how others will perceive and treat us. I don't think its a personal selfish concern of their own.

My trouble has been a little as my style has evolved I have embraced more feminine styles such as high heels and handbags got me in strife and debates with mum. In particular my choice of some bras was not approved of - but my sister came to my side there - (I wear a bra (I developed my breasts in my 20s) and I prefer to wear finer lingerie styles, and don't care if a strap shows)

But it does get better with honesty and patience (on all sides).

cheers
NZF

[Coder]

I had a small red round purse as a kid - I think she bought it for me at a garage sale on my insistence - been wondering if I should start by asking about this. I’m a messenger bag kinda person to this day, so I don’t quite know what my motivation was, but as a kid I don’t think I had any specific bias at that point?

[nzfreestyler]

well when I was little (before going to school etc) I used to grab mums handbags, and apparently at my grandparents house I was always getting her high heels out! So I was doomed from an early age !

[Coder]

Ha! Oddly enough I didn’t raid her closet, or even my aunts.

I’m just not sure I understood the “coding” a bag like it had at the time - but obviously my mom didn’t see an issue with it. I probably attach more significance to it looking back in time than I ever would have as a kid. I think this is the only avenue I have if I want to gauge a reaction without giving anything away.

[mishawakaskirt]

Well, she personally doesn’t wear skirts except for the rare occasion, but generally hates them. Used to wear them though when younger. So she might have trouble understanding why - which I’m still trying to figure out myself - beside I like the aesthetic. Which is fine from a purely fashion standpoint. But boy - it could have a high social cost.

Ok, commenting on her skirts is out.

You still have a good number of things to say.

One thing I forgot to say in my earlier post was.

Is own up to your item's like the leggings.

Unless your house is a bus terminal. There are only so many possibilities of who it belongs to. And then having paperwork having your name on it.

Trying to dodge something like that is potentially asking for trouble.

I tried to do that with my wife. on a black skirt of mine that I accidentally left out on a laundry pile.
Needless to say that didn't go over to well with the wife. Even though she has multiple black skirts, she knew it wasn't hers at a glance.
Then the whole "what do you think I look stupid and why are you lying about skirts" argument started.
Not a good evening.

Dont lie or pander about it be honest.
As far as it having a high social cost. It potentially can be costly. That is a decision each cafe member has to make, almost daily. And in every situation.

Some guys here are lucky, have supportive relationships some not so much, objecting relationships, some guys here have titanium balls and say damn the torpedoes, I'm wearing what I want.

For me and right now my relationships are more important than the skirts, and for most of my close acquaintances i think it would make them uncomfortable, or heavily object
So I am a underground skirter.

With the way attitudes are changing on things.
I see that it in the not to distant future men wearing skirts will become almost a non event.

In some areas of the world it is almost there now.
Online kilt sales are increasing. And there are several men's skirts manufacturers out there now.
Skirtcraft And Skortify and a few others?

[moonshadow]

Okay, before advice can be rendered, a few questions:

1) How old are you?

2) What is the age of adulthood in your location?

3) What is your location?

4) Do you live with your parents?

5) Do you have a job and/or a means to support yourself?

6) If so can that job withstand you being "outed"?

[Coder]

I’m an adult - with a very good job, one that encourages diversity so much you get sick of it. Not to blast diversity. And I live at home which presents some challenges.

And that is what’s been tearing me apart these past few years. I feel like I’ve avoided a relationship because of my closeted skirt wearing - maybe the whole being at home too. I can’t rightly get into a relationship and get married and be like, “Hey wife, I have some unique fashion choices I’ve never told you about...”. Or I just die alone, which I’m mot quite resigned to, yet.

So I figure going to work skirted solves some major issues - it makes me more authentic to myself and others, and will give me a confidence boost when/if I start dating, if that’s for me. Otherwise 50-60 years from now they’ll find me sitting in a rocking chair a desiccated skeleton because I’m a loner (ok, I sometimes have a dark sense of humor).

[moonshadow]

I’m an adult - with a very good job, one that encourages diversity so much you get sick of it. Not to blast diversity. And I live at home which presents some challenges.

Well it sounds like you've got a good handle on your situation. As for living at home, if I recall I believe you said something about the house being left to you at some point in the future, am I right?

That does present some unique challenges.

Do you keep it closeted while living at home, perhaps nixing the skirts all together? Or do you take a chance and tell the folks and accept the possibility of being disowned from the estate (worst case scenario).

There is no doubt that this is a big decision that only you can make, and you'll need to weigh your options carefully. Be advised, I thought my mother would be accepting too, I was wrong.

However my liberation in the matter stemmed from the fact that she never had anything to leave me as far as inheritance goes, and I don't live with her, in fact I live several counties away. Thus I really didn't have anything to lose other than my mother herself, which I reconciled that if she were to sever our relationship over something so stupid as a skirt then so be it. Thankfully though she does disapprove it never escalated to that point. But this risk was mine to take, nobody could do it for me, such as it is with your situation.

And that is what’s been tearing me apart these past few years. I feel like I’ve avoided a relationship because of my closeted skirt wearing - maybe the whole being at home too. I can’t rightly get into a relationship and get married and be like, “Hey wife, I have some unique fashion choices I’ve never told you about.

There are women who do accept this kind of thing, but make no mistake, it does narrow the pool down considerably. Additionally, even homosexual men ironically seem keep their distance. Someone will likely turn up, but you may have to be open minded yourself. You're not "normal" and you'll likely find only other eccentric and abnormal people are willing to have any kind of relationship with you.

This is not a bad thing.... normal is boring after all. But it will require patience.

Otherwise 50-60 years from now they’ll find me sitting in a rocking chair a desiccated skeleton because I’m a loner (ok, I sometimes have a dark sense of humor).

That could happen to anyone, and in fact, it happens to a lot of people, "normal" or not.

It's likely to happen to Jenn (my wife) or myself, depending on which ever one goes first. We are not flush with real world friends after all. This doesn't really bother me too often because.... well... I'd be dead anyway so why should I care? If that's all I meant to the world, then @#$% the world anyway!

How's that for dark!

(Note, my overall opinion of humanity often struggles to rise above zero)

[Coder]

Yeah, the general plan is to purchase my siblings out when the time comes, or if they sell before. It’s all on official paper, but that could be changed if this causes a rift. I just have no way of gauging it. I know this sounds horrible - like I’m a monster.

Part of it though - as I said to a friend - I just want them to accept me. They don’t have to agree with it. Hrmmm.

Well, I think tonight I’m going to ask about that red purse/bag I had as a child. At least that is something I can be genuinely interested in, as I actually am. It’s always bugged me a bit because I don’t quite remember why I liked it. And it will help me gauge her reaction.

Finally, as much as I hate machismo I really think I will find a “manly” movie with skirted men in it. I’ll use that to launch a discussion.