Funnies

[Uncle Al]

A Trip to Costco: Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large
bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and
was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that
I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit us both...

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Uncle Al

[Fred in Skirts]

[moonshadow]

And now for our cat fix...

[Sinned]

You may have heard this one before but it's always worth repetition:

How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[moonshadow]

[Feeling freedom]

There was 3 guys in a cell on death row and they had their choice on how to die. Hanged, shot or have a shot of aids. The jailer brings out the first man and asks him how he would like to die and he said to "get it over and done with and just shoot me", the jailer said fine, you will be shot at sunrise and put him back in the cell with the others.

The jailer brings out the second man and asked him how he wants to die and he loves old western movies so he said "hang me like in the old west". The jailer said fine you will be hung at sunrise and put him back in the cell with the others.

The jailer brings out the third and final man and asked him how he wants to die and he said "give me a shot of aids". the jailer asked " are you sure"?? He said yes so the jailer gave him a shot of aids and put him back in the cell with the others.

All 3 men were sitting there discussing their demise and the first man said "I am getting it over and done with and getting shot" the second man said "I am getting hung like in the old west" and the third guy said he got a shot of aids. The first two men asked "why would you get a shot of aids, it's a slow horrible death??"

The third man said "I fooled them all.....I wore a condom!"

[Gregg1100]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Bill behind him, “****! My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Bill replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Shell.

[Fred in Skirts]

Now that's funny I don't care who you are!!

Only one problem I saw with it the first and last parts of the story has a Shell station as the place. But in the middle of the story it says he went back to the BP station not Shell.

[Kirbstone]

Smart computer!

Shell & BP used to be one and the same. Perhaps not anymore.

Tom

[crfriend]

Shell & BP used to be one and the same. Perhaps not anymore.

Watching the machinations of the assorted "companies" in the petroleum industry is like watching squid have sex. You know there's something going on, but it's confusing and usually smells fishy. It was so much easier when it was "Standard Oil" (and, perhaps, less criminal).

I thought that BP was (at least originally) "British Petroleum" and Shell was "Royal Dutch Shell". Note that those may be decades out of date (see "squid" above).

[beachlion]

Smart computer!

Shell & BP used to be one and the same. Perhaps not anymore.

Tom

Maybe you got mixed up with BPM.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bataafse_ ... atschappij

[Gregg1100]

Shell-Mex and BP Ltd was a British joint marketing venture between petroleum companies Royal Dutch Shell (Shell) and British Petroleum (BP). It was formed in 1932 when both companies decided to merge their United Kingdom marketing operations, partly in response to the difficult economic conditions of the times.

[Gregg1100]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

[Caultron]

ROFL!

[Fred in Skirts]