An old member, returning from the softer side

[RyeOfTheDead]

So I don't know how many of you fellas remember me from the older days/older forums, I was a somewhat regular poster in a different era of my life. I am only 25 now, and I posted mostly in my teenage years and started to drift away from these forums about 4 or 5 years ago.

Over the past few years my mind was starting to go in a different direction, I think I was getting myself a little too deep into the crossdressing side of things, and starting to feel a little less like a man in a skirt and a little more like a transgendered person. I started thinking about going out wearing makeup and a wig and such and presenting a more female image. I had even given her a name, "Alyssa,"

Yet during this time I also have longed to continue pursuing the option of being a man in a skirt, and i was starting to have trouble rectifying the two worlds. I have worn a kilt out on many occasions and twice in the last two years, have gone out wearing skirts while otherwise fully in male clothing. Once in Los Angeles and once in New York, and both times were amazing rushes and felt awesome.

So then last weekend I finally took the plunge and went out to an event dressed as a woman, or at least a man trying his hardest to look good in womens clothes, i had no fantasies that I was passing. I went to an event for crossdressers that was being held close to where I life and it was the first time I had ever been out like that.

And the fact of the matter is, I didn't enjoy it. I felt wrong the entire time, it felt so much like I didn't want to be there, that i didn't want to be the person i was. the wig was uncomfortable, the top was a little binding in parts and the shoes hurt my feet. Aside from the eyeliner, which i enjoy in male mode sometimes and am young enough to get away with, the makeup just was annoying.

I don't know why I had gotten so far into that world over the last few years, I wonder if in some way I was trying to justify wanting to wear the clothes that I do, instead of just embracing it. But the truth is, when i got in my car and took off my wig and looked at myself in the mirror, i knew that the true me was looking back, not the fake persona i had put on while inside the bar. I didn't feel anything as close to the joy I'd had those times before in my skirted man outings or my kilt days.

I don't regret my time as "Alyssa" even though it ultimately seems to not be what I wanted, because life is all about learning, but I know now that I'm not a transgendered person, I am a man, and one who likes skirts. And that's ok.

[CharlesG]

Welcome back Rye. Are you still in the same place or have you moved from your previous Location? I liked having someone in the same region even though we had never met.

[RyeOfTheDead]

I have moved twice and returned twice, so I'm currently in the same region.

[Stevie D]

Hello Rye,

I do indeed remember you from years ago. Welcome back!
I was interested to read your account as 'Alyssa'. Sometimes there are routes that you just have to explore, for your own peace of mind. I'm sure you have learned a great deal about yourself. Maybe Alyssa will come back sometimes, maybe not. Either outcome is OK. The important thing is that you have been, and are continuing to be, honest with yourself. Good for you!

[crfriend]

Welcome back, Rye. It sounds like you've done well over the past couple of years and have learned some valuable lessons about who you are -- for that I congratulate you.

[Ray]

Rye,

I remember you from about 5/6 years ago. Welcome back!