- Member Extraordinaire
- Posts: 1516
- Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:39 am
- Location: Portland, OR, USA
My wife sighed, shook her head and said, "Men don't understand that women are wired differently".
It irritates me when she tells me stuff like that. I have no reply. Women have a miraculous way of being able to do that!
The miracle to that kind of reply is that we men are dumb enough to let our ladies get away with it. Your wife will keep using it until either she decides you're a boring pushover and leaves you or you bust her on it. Until you do, you're letting her cut off communication and dismiss you and your feelings. Definitely not conducive to building your relationship!
The next time she dismisses your feelings with that non-answer I suggest that you say something like, "Like most men, I'm fully aware that women are wired differently than men, but I don't see what the difference is that creates this situation. Would you tell exactly which wiring difference is creating this situation please?" Assuming she honestly tries to answer your question, expect to have to ask such probing "Why?" questions at least 3 times before you get to the heart of the matter. Non-answers that amount to, "Because it just is," or "You're a man; you wouldn't understand," don't count and need to be called out as the insults to your intelligence that they are.
I say you have to ask 'Why?' 3 times because that's one of the practices Toyota has learned is required to get to the root cause of a problem. I expect on at least one of her uses of the 'You're a man, you wouldn't understand,' non-answer your wife will concede that it was a non-answer or that she was selling you short, that you actually can understand such things. When that happens, you might want to use it as an opportunity to ask what her what changed in her feelings about your wearing a skirt that she asked you not to in her presence. Or, what to her is the difference between a skirt and a kilt.
She may not change her mind, but at least you'll understand her feelings and maybe find a way to satisfy her concern.
One way or another, you'll be communicating rather than you being run over by her and feeling diminished or resentful. If not both.
Having said all this, let me stipulate, this is one of those instances of "Do as I say, not as I've done." If I had followed this advice, I probably wouldn't have been divorced 3 times! So thank you for sharing your experience. You gave me some valuable insight on my own experiences and some ideas on what I can do the next time this kind of dynamic emerges so I can get better results.
Social norms aren't changed by Congress or Parliament; they're changed by a sufficient number of people ignoring the existing ones and publicly practicing new ones.
Since then I have had two kilts delivered and, with her agreement that what I wear when she's not at home (she travels for work quite frequently), I am delighted to report that other than wearing shorts to gym, I have worn a skirt or kilt for all but 1 day between March 1 and April 30.
I have yet to have a single negative comment. Had had lots of positive comments about the kilts which in several cases has enabled me to discuss men wearing skirts. An amazing number of women agree it's ok and makes sense.
I think the reason our SO's tend to disagree with our choice is that their man in a skirt just isn't what they signed up for.
Now for May...
Well, MOH knew that I wasn't normal when she started going out with me - but she probably didn't know how Abby Normal I was!!!! In my dearest's case I think that the problem is that she had a strict upbringing with her parents being very straight-laced. Sx, no talk of that, young lady. So her views, I think, tend to be along those lines. Sad, but she was quite a bit more "liberal" in her views when she was younger.