Re: Need advice in Nebraska.
Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:31 pm
Hello dpinNE,
I agree with the most recent responses that urge you to talk this out with your spouse. That's while I disagree with you and the other posters who talked down the idea of seeing a psychiatrist. As another poster put it, a psychiatrist or psychologist will tell your wife that transvestism is no longer seen as a mental health disease, the issues are dealing with the social impact, starting with one's family. At this point your ongoing deceit has become an issue of its own. You've seriously compromised the trust that any marital relationship is based on.
But a good therapist with point out to your wife that her ability to deal with something that is different but ultimately harmless requires work on her part. And if the best qualified person in your area to deal with all of this or the most likely that your wife will go with you to is that psychiatrist with whom you already have personal connections. If he can't work with you in an objective, professional manner, he'll tell you and refer you to someone else.
He WON'T tell ANYONE. No matter how juicy his gut feels your situation is. To do so would be as unprofessional as it could get, would expose him to a malpractice suit by you and your wife, in short would end his professional career. NOONE wants to share THEIR secrets with a gossip. Do you think anyone else feels less conflicted/guilty/ashamed/embarrassed than you and your wife do about yours?
You also need to deal with your older daughter. As Caultron said, to have that conversation you need to deal with her as a fellow traveler through life, in other words as an equal. That, by the way, was going to happen sooner or later but this is as good of a reason as any I'd say. I expect that it will force you to come to grips with the reasons that you wear skirts so give that some thought. Including the fact that it's part of who you are, like everyone else, who sees the world a little differently than the norm. Face the conversation as an opportunity to kick your relationship with your daughter up to the next level and as an opportunity to help her mature.
If you can succeed in that conversation you will probably have created an ally in working things out with your wife. There are strong bonds between kids and their parents; she probably wants to preserve both her relationship with you and with her mother. Unfortunately, she first has to let go of her image of who she thought you were or wanted you to be. At this point, I expect it's the latter. You said some of the kids in her high school have seen you. You better believe they recognized you and that she's known for awhile. So now honesty is your best policy.
Be prepared for something else, there's often a REALLY strong bond beyond mother and daughter. My grown stepdaughter -- who is one of the only two children I have, the other is my stepson -- is in many ways her mother's clone. They are so unbelievably close my stepson swears they communicate with clicks and whistles, like dolphins who apparently also communicate by mental telepathy. If your daughter's relationship with her mom is anything like that ... well, the challenges are obvious.
I wish I could say I have successfully applied all of these great insights with my family. In fact, it's the opposite. I'm only now gaining them now that my marriage is irreconcilably trashed. Looking back I would say that the root cause was my inability to recognize, articulate and deal with my feelings. (Anybody else have that challenge?) Which is why I am presuming to give you this advice, I'd hate for you to lose your relationship with your wife and especially with your kids. Being the outsider looking in on my estranged wife's, stepdaughter's, son-in-law's and granddaughter's relationship or what I imagine it is. They all live together so I'm estranged from all of them.
However, in the darkest days, my stepdaughter was the one who was there when I came to visit my granddaughter, my wife, Susan, and I were able to amicably do our taxes together and are at the point where we both recognize the other as outstanding human beings who simply can't live together. My son-in-law is still wrestling with his feelings. I haven't talked to my stepson about it all because he's kind of macho BUT his last words to me were, "Find yourself man." And he meant it in the very most supportive way he could.
When I first told Susan that I was going to start wearing skirts and dresses she was adamant she did not want to see me that way. When I talked to my stepdaughter and son-in-law about my skirting, my stepdaughter was very tentative in her response, my son-in-law's response was immediate, "Hell yeah I want (my granddaughter) to see you that way." He feels that she is going to have to deal with much stranger things than men wearing skirts in defiance of the social norms and he wanted her to understand on an instinctual level that most people who are different are good people, just different, like everyone else.
I'm telling you all of this because I know my biggest regret is never having had kids of my own and now being without the joys of family life and I would hate to see the same happen to you. God is love, but maintaining love and a family always requires work. For others bringing home the bacon sufficed, not now. On the other hand, the rewards are much greater too.
I know I have given you very little that is definitive here and maybe even less that's helpful, but I hope you can glean something from this because I want you to succeed in finding a way to preserve your family and your self. Ultimately, the two are inseparable and you wear skirts because they express who you are and those elements of your personhood refuse to be denied. Nor should they be.
Soon after I started wearing dresses to church -- yes church, my pastor suggested it after I laid out my life story to her -- I noticed that people treated me very differently, not to mention even more nicely than before. I asked a friend why and she denied that she treated me differently but said that another member of the congregation said that I was more gentle when I was in a skirt. My response was that I needed to keep that in mind because if I could be that way in a skirt, there was no reason for me to be otherwise in pants. I expect that something along those lines is true of you as well.
One last word of advice, be that person, whoever it may be, that you are when you are in a skirt (no, not the fearful and sneaky parts) and use it to win your family over to your wardrobe choices.
My prayers are with you.
I agree with the most recent responses that urge you to talk this out with your spouse. That's while I disagree with you and the other posters who talked down the idea of seeing a psychiatrist. As another poster put it, a psychiatrist or psychologist will tell your wife that transvestism is no longer seen as a mental health disease, the issues are dealing with the social impact, starting with one's family. At this point your ongoing deceit has become an issue of its own. You've seriously compromised the trust that any marital relationship is based on.
But a good therapist with point out to your wife that her ability to deal with something that is different but ultimately harmless requires work on her part. And if the best qualified person in your area to deal with all of this or the most likely that your wife will go with you to is that psychiatrist with whom you already have personal connections. If he can't work with you in an objective, professional manner, he'll tell you and refer you to someone else.
He WON'T tell ANYONE. No matter how juicy his gut feels your situation is. To do so would be as unprofessional as it could get, would expose him to a malpractice suit by you and your wife, in short would end his professional career. NOONE wants to share THEIR secrets with a gossip. Do you think anyone else feels less conflicted/guilty/ashamed/embarrassed than you and your wife do about yours?
You also need to deal with your older daughter. As Caultron said, to have that conversation you need to deal with her as a fellow traveler through life, in other words as an equal. That, by the way, was going to happen sooner or later but this is as good of a reason as any I'd say. I expect that it will force you to come to grips with the reasons that you wear skirts so give that some thought. Including the fact that it's part of who you are, like everyone else, who sees the world a little differently than the norm. Face the conversation as an opportunity to kick your relationship with your daughter up to the next level and as an opportunity to help her mature.
If you can succeed in that conversation you will probably have created an ally in working things out with your wife. There are strong bonds between kids and their parents; she probably wants to preserve both her relationship with you and with her mother. Unfortunately, she first has to let go of her image of who she thought you were or wanted you to be. At this point, I expect it's the latter. You said some of the kids in her high school have seen you. You better believe they recognized you and that she's known for awhile. So now honesty is your best policy.
Be prepared for something else, there's often a REALLY strong bond beyond mother and daughter. My grown stepdaughter -- who is one of the only two children I have, the other is my stepson -- is in many ways her mother's clone. They are so unbelievably close my stepson swears they communicate with clicks and whistles, like dolphins who apparently also communicate by mental telepathy. If your daughter's relationship with her mom is anything like that ... well, the challenges are obvious.
I wish I could say I have successfully applied all of these great insights with my family. In fact, it's the opposite. I'm only now gaining them now that my marriage is irreconcilably trashed. Looking back I would say that the root cause was my inability to recognize, articulate and deal with my feelings. (Anybody else have that challenge?) Which is why I am presuming to give you this advice, I'd hate for you to lose your relationship with your wife and especially with your kids. Being the outsider looking in on my estranged wife's, stepdaughter's, son-in-law's and granddaughter's relationship or what I imagine it is. They all live together so I'm estranged from all of them.
However, in the darkest days, my stepdaughter was the one who was there when I came to visit my granddaughter, my wife, Susan, and I were able to amicably do our taxes together and are at the point where we both recognize the other as outstanding human beings who simply can't live together. My son-in-law is still wrestling with his feelings. I haven't talked to my stepson about it all because he's kind of macho BUT his last words to me were, "Find yourself man." And he meant it in the very most supportive way he could.
When I first told Susan that I was going to start wearing skirts and dresses she was adamant she did not want to see me that way. When I talked to my stepdaughter and son-in-law about my skirting, my stepdaughter was very tentative in her response, my son-in-law's response was immediate, "Hell yeah I want (my granddaughter) to see you that way." He feels that she is going to have to deal with much stranger things than men wearing skirts in defiance of the social norms and he wanted her to understand on an instinctual level that most people who are different are good people, just different, like everyone else.
I'm telling you all of this because I know my biggest regret is never having had kids of my own and now being without the joys of family life and I would hate to see the same happen to you. God is love, but maintaining love and a family always requires work. For others bringing home the bacon sufficed, not now. On the other hand, the rewards are much greater too.
I know I have given you very little that is definitive here and maybe even less that's helpful, but I hope you can glean something from this because I want you to succeed in finding a way to preserve your family and your self. Ultimately, the two are inseparable and you wear skirts because they express who you are and those elements of your personhood refuse to be denied. Nor should they be.
Soon after I started wearing dresses to church -- yes church, my pastor suggested it after I laid out my life story to her -- I noticed that people treated me very differently, not to mention even more nicely than before. I asked a friend why and she denied that she treated me differently but said that another member of the congregation said that I was more gentle when I was in a skirt. My response was that I needed to keep that in mind because if I could be that way in a skirt, there was no reason for me to be otherwise in pants. I expect that something along those lines is true of you as well.
One last word of advice, be that person, whoever it may be, that you are when you are in a skirt (no, not the fearful and sneaky parts) and use it to win your family over to your wardrobe choices.
My prayers are with you.