SkirtCafe Core Values
Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:11 am
As many here are aware, we've had a few brawls at the Cafe in recent weeks. Many of us have bruises, the potted palm has been knocked over, and morale is down across the board. The Cafe has traditionally been a place where people can meet, talk and get to know each other across differences, and that has not been happening as of late. Carl and I have been working on a plan to restore order and decorum to the Cafe, so the coffee can flow again unhindered. I'm sorry it has taken this long. But the problems have required a lot of time, and thought, and my capacity is finite.
We have solicited input on the current situation --- thank you to everyone who gave their two cents worth. We have also done a lot of soul searching on the issue. As has happened in the past, I went back to consider SkirtCafe's core values and core membership base. These were not values I created out of thin air, but rather values I inherited from Tom Manuel and Tom's Cafe. I have always sought to keep these core value alive and well, while responding appropriately in the present. I would like to take this time to review SkirtCafe's core values. They are:
1. Mutual Respect --- our most important core value! Even more important than skirts.
2. Skirts and Kilts --- core interest in skirts and kilts as a part of men's wardrobe and men's fashion.
3. Men --- desire to remain men.
4. Diversity --- value of diversity, openness and honesty in our membership.
5. Community --- we're not just a bunch of disconnected individuals in cyberspace
I will now expand on these values, and how they speak to our current situation.
Mutual Respect
How can I say it more clearly: Mutual Respect is our most important core value.
When things are working well, we all respect each other for all our quirks and differences. We have many eccentric, independent-minded souls here, so of course we're all different. That's OK. But when things stop working --- well, disrespect is contagious and it snowballs. Pretty soon we're all feeling hurt and defensive, and we come to believe that the Cafe would be a better place without [your choice of other Cafe member here].
The fact is, if we kicked out ever Cafe member that someone else wishes would leave, we'd have no one left --- not to mention, we'd have no moderators either! That is why mutual respect is so very important!!! We don't have to like each other, and invariably, we will come across others at the Cafe that we don't like. But everyone here is human, and we all have a right to exist and to find our path in life, however strange that may seem to others. And we do have to respect each other.
Most of the time, this principle works very well. It has not worked well for the past two weeks. Moving forward from here, I expect everyone to take a deep breath, and make a double effort to show respect to others. We deserve it to ourselves. Our community cannot tolerate the level of general disrespect we've seen over the past two weeks.
Skirts and Kilts
As is clearly stated at the top of this forum (and in our name), SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts for men. It's not about panythose. It's not about makeup. It's not about high heels. It's not about painted nails. It's not even really about fashion freedom in general. Keep it simple, SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts.
But a skirt is not just a skirt, it is in our society a symbol of femininity. A man wearing a skirt is seen as an iconoclast in a way that a man with eye liner or even high heels is not. Wearing a skirt or kilt announces to the world in unambiguous terms that you are willing to break a taboo. As they say, you need balls to wear a skirt. You don't need balls to wear pantyhose.
Skirts and kilts are also a symbol of physical vulnerability. When you wear a skirt, you are presenting your body to scrutiny by the world. If you're going to do that, it is important to make sure that everything looks like you want it to look.
Thus, SkirtCafe has always been about more than the skirt. SkirtCafe is about fashion freedom, and it is also about making skirts look good on our bodies as a part of a complete outfit. That will bring in other garments as well. It would be impractical to make a rule that we can talk about skirts but not tights.
But at the end of the day, SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts for men. Please understand and respect that. If you're really into high heels or nail polish, or hair or tights more than skirts or fashion --- there are other forums that might be closer to your interests. Our members may or may not choose to pair those items with their skirts.
Men
Most of us are men, and SkirtCafe is about us. That sounds pretty simple, until one dives into the various dimensions and meanings of gender. Then one can lose all grasp on the concept. But again, let's keep it simple. SkirtCafe is about men. If you think of yourself as a man, SkirtCafe is about you.
The vast majority of our membership are people who think of themselves as men, are treated like men, look like men --- and are just fine with all that. Whatever we are wearing, we want to be called "he" and "sir" in public, we use the men's restroom, and we believe there are differences between men and women (although we may argue endlessly about what those differences are). Last but not least, we want to show the world how great men can look in a well chosen skirted or kilted outfit!
For some of us, our sense of gender is more complex than that. And that can make life more difficult. We may have ambivalent feelings about our maleness. Or we may have experienced gender dysphoria of sorts. Yes, we're men, but.... well, we're not sure what comes next. We may be searching. But we're still men.
Diversity
It is important to understand that historically, SkirtCafe (and Tom's Cafe before it) has NEVER been a place for androgyny, elimination of gender differences or various "mixed" areas of the gender spectrum. It has always been about expanding the range of MEN's fashion. At the same time, SkirtCafe has also ALWAYS been a place of tolerance and diversity. It has always had a number of men who may be somewhere "in-between" on the gender scale, and Tom made it abundantly clear to everyone that these people are welcome in the front row at the Cafe. With mutual respect, we can get along and learn from each other.
Those here who are "100% man" --- you need to respect those who may be more androgynous in outlook and their right to exist here. Those who are more androgynous --- you need to understand that you are valued, but also a minority. SkirtCafe is not going to change to be just like you --- we can support and respect each other across our differences. Please use tact in choosing where and how to post on "girly" topics. Please refrain from promoting any belief that any man is more or less "evolved" based on how much "feminine stuff" he wears. There is no evolution here, no one is better or more advanced than anyone else, we're just trying to be ourselves. And that self is different for everyone.
It's interesting to note that Tom's Cafe was started when a group of people were exiled from the old alt.fashion USENET newsgroup for daring to discuss skirts and kilts for men. The SCANDAL! It would have been hypocritical for Tom to have exiled people he didn't like or agree with. Instead of constantly dividing and separating, Tom took the noble route of building a wide tent and encouraging people to all get along, especially when that was difficult. I refuse to abandon Tom's legacy of tolerance and mutual respect.
SkirtCafe pitches a big tent. But there is one kind of man that SkirtCafe is NOT the place for. That is the man who believes that association with one of "those people" will make him a lesser man, who believes he must protect his own purity by associating ONLY with others of like mind, or who believe that the "wrong image" will be "bad for the movement." If you disassociate from everyone who has something wrong with them, pretty soon you'll find yourself alone. Time to look in a mirror...
Community
As many of us have experienced over the years, SkirtCafe is not just about skirts or kilts or fashion freedom or exploration of what it means to be a man. SkirtCafe is also community.
What does that mean? It means many things.
On one level, SkirtCafe is a place where we can make friends. Sometimes, we end up meeting these friends in "real life" and these relationships grow. Sometimes, we come to like and appreciate others on-line, even if we were skeptical of them at first.
SkirtCafe has a homegrown coffee shop decor to it --- lovingly hand painted, the espresso machine is just a bit crooked, and someone always seems to keep the potted palm well watered, even when the proprietors forget. It's the kind of place where we can linger after hours, even when the "closed" sign hangs on the front window.
Community means that SkirtCafe is a place where we can talk about things that are important to us. Whether it's our dead pet, our engagement, our health, or a crisis at school --- no topic is off-topic at SkirtCafe (except religion and politics).
Sometimes, that topic has to do with deeply personal issues. Sometimes, we open up on-line. I am always happy to hear that SkirtCafe has had a positive impact on someone's life. However, it is important to remember that SkirtCafe is NOT group therapy. We are a public space, and we can provide a range of opinions you'll never get in person. But some things are better discussed in a formal therapy setting. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own mental health.
If and when we choose to open up, it typically involves many long posts, which can overwhelm an existing thread. Please be considerate of others and start a new thread if you wish to do this. And keep it contained to that thread.
And....
Thanks all, Folks! I hope this clears things up, and we can go back to cordial conversations over lattes and epressos next to the Potted Palm. Oil may be almost $150/barrel and your Land Rover may be "bricked" in your driveway for lack of funds. But SkirtCafe is still here, still sharing good cheer, and still talking about skirts and kilts for men. And please remember... respect for all.
Oh yes, also, please read the forum descriptions carefully. They have changed. Subjects related to androgyny or borderline CD/TG should go under "Freestyle Fashions." Well categorized topics will help us all feel respected.
We have solicited input on the current situation --- thank you to everyone who gave their two cents worth. We have also done a lot of soul searching on the issue. As has happened in the past, I went back to consider SkirtCafe's core values and core membership base. These were not values I created out of thin air, but rather values I inherited from Tom Manuel and Tom's Cafe. I have always sought to keep these core value alive and well, while responding appropriately in the present. I would like to take this time to review SkirtCafe's core values. They are:
1. Mutual Respect --- our most important core value! Even more important than skirts.
2. Skirts and Kilts --- core interest in skirts and kilts as a part of men's wardrobe and men's fashion.
3. Men --- desire to remain men.
4. Diversity --- value of diversity, openness and honesty in our membership.
5. Community --- we're not just a bunch of disconnected individuals in cyberspace
I will now expand on these values, and how they speak to our current situation.
Mutual Respect
How can I say it more clearly: Mutual Respect is our most important core value.
When things are working well, we all respect each other for all our quirks and differences. We have many eccentric, independent-minded souls here, so of course we're all different. That's OK. But when things stop working --- well, disrespect is contagious and it snowballs. Pretty soon we're all feeling hurt and defensive, and we come to believe that the Cafe would be a better place without [your choice of other Cafe member here].
The fact is, if we kicked out ever Cafe member that someone else wishes would leave, we'd have no one left --- not to mention, we'd have no moderators either! That is why mutual respect is so very important!!! We don't have to like each other, and invariably, we will come across others at the Cafe that we don't like. But everyone here is human, and we all have a right to exist and to find our path in life, however strange that may seem to others. And we do have to respect each other.
Most of the time, this principle works very well. It has not worked well for the past two weeks. Moving forward from here, I expect everyone to take a deep breath, and make a double effort to show respect to others. We deserve it to ourselves. Our community cannot tolerate the level of general disrespect we've seen over the past two weeks.
Skirts and Kilts
As is clearly stated at the top of this forum (and in our name), SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts for men. It's not about panythose. It's not about makeup. It's not about high heels. It's not about painted nails. It's not even really about fashion freedom in general. Keep it simple, SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts.
But a skirt is not just a skirt, it is in our society a symbol of femininity. A man wearing a skirt is seen as an iconoclast in a way that a man with eye liner or even high heels is not. Wearing a skirt or kilt announces to the world in unambiguous terms that you are willing to break a taboo. As they say, you need balls to wear a skirt. You don't need balls to wear pantyhose.
Skirts and kilts are also a symbol of physical vulnerability. When you wear a skirt, you are presenting your body to scrutiny by the world. If you're going to do that, it is important to make sure that everything looks like you want it to look.
Thus, SkirtCafe has always been about more than the skirt. SkirtCafe is about fashion freedom, and it is also about making skirts look good on our bodies as a part of a complete outfit. That will bring in other garments as well. It would be impractical to make a rule that we can talk about skirts but not tights.
But at the end of the day, SkirtCafe is about skirts and kilts for men. Please understand and respect that. If you're really into high heels or nail polish, or hair or tights more than skirts or fashion --- there are other forums that might be closer to your interests. Our members may or may not choose to pair those items with their skirts.
Men
Most of us are men, and SkirtCafe is about us. That sounds pretty simple, until one dives into the various dimensions and meanings of gender. Then one can lose all grasp on the concept. But again, let's keep it simple. SkirtCafe is about men. If you think of yourself as a man, SkirtCafe is about you.
The vast majority of our membership are people who think of themselves as men, are treated like men, look like men --- and are just fine with all that. Whatever we are wearing, we want to be called "he" and "sir" in public, we use the men's restroom, and we believe there are differences between men and women (although we may argue endlessly about what those differences are). Last but not least, we want to show the world how great men can look in a well chosen skirted or kilted outfit!
For some of us, our sense of gender is more complex than that. And that can make life more difficult. We may have ambivalent feelings about our maleness. Or we may have experienced gender dysphoria of sorts. Yes, we're men, but.... well, we're not sure what comes next. We may be searching. But we're still men.
Diversity
It is important to understand that historically, SkirtCafe (and Tom's Cafe before it) has NEVER been a place for androgyny, elimination of gender differences or various "mixed" areas of the gender spectrum. It has always been about expanding the range of MEN's fashion. At the same time, SkirtCafe has also ALWAYS been a place of tolerance and diversity. It has always had a number of men who may be somewhere "in-between" on the gender scale, and Tom made it abundantly clear to everyone that these people are welcome in the front row at the Cafe. With mutual respect, we can get along and learn from each other.
Those here who are "100% man" --- you need to respect those who may be more androgynous in outlook and their right to exist here. Those who are more androgynous --- you need to understand that you are valued, but also a minority. SkirtCafe is not going to change to be just like you --- we can support and respect each other across our differences. Please use tact in choosing where and how to post on "girly" topics. Please refrain from promoting any belief that any man is more or less "evolved" based on how much "feminine stuff" he wears. There is no evolution here, no one is better or more advanced than anyone else, we're just trying to be ourselves. And that self is different for everyone.
It's interesting to note that Tom's Cafe was started when a group of people were exiled from the old alt.fashion USENET newsgroup for daring to discuss skirts and kilts for men. The SCANDAL! It would have been hypocritical for Tom to have exiled people he didn't like or agree with. Instead of constantly dividing and separating, Tom took the noble route of building a wide tent and encouraging people to all get along, especially when that was difficult. I refuse to abandon Tom's legacy of tolerance and mutual respect.
SkirtCafe pitches a big tent. But there is one kind of man that SkirtCafe is NOT the place for. That is the man who believes that association with one of "those people" will make him a lesser man, who believes he must protect his own purity by associating ONLY with others of like mind, or who believe that the "wrong image" will be "bad for the movement." If you disassociate from everyone who has something wrong with them, pretty soon you'll find yourself alone. Time to look in a mirror...
Community
As many of us have experienced over the years, SkirtCafe is not just about skirts or kilts or fashion freedom or exploration of what it means to be a man. SkirtCafe is also community.
What does that mean? It means many things.
On one level, SkirtCafe is a place where we can make friends. Sometimes, we end up meeting these friends in "real life" and these relationships grow. Sometimes, we come to like and appreciate others on-line, even if we were skeptical of them at first.
SkirtCafe has a homegrown coffee shop decor to it --- lovingly hand painted, the espresso machine is just a bit crooked, and someone always seems to keep the potted palm well watered, even when the proprietors forget. It's the kind of place where we can linger after hours, even when the "closed" sign hangs on the front window.
Community means that SkirtCafe is a place where we can talk about things that are important to us. Whether it's our dead pet, our engagement, our health, or a crisis at school --- no topic is off-topic at SkirtCafe (except religion and politics).
Sometimes, that topic has to do with deeply personal issues. Sometimes, we open up on-line. I am always happy to hear that SkirtCafe has had a positive impact on someone's life. However, it is important to remember that SkirtCafe is NOT group therapy. We are a public space, and we can provide a range of opinions you'll never get in person. But some things are better discussed in a formal therapy setting. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own mental health.
If and when we choose to open up, it typically involves many long posts, which can overwhelm an existing thread. Please be considerate of others and start a new thread if you wish to do this. And keep it contained to that thread.
And....
Thanks all, Folks! I hope this clears things up, and we can go back to cordial conversations over lattes and epressos next to the Potted Palm. Oil may be almost $150/barrel and your Land Rover may be "bricked" in your driveway for lack of funds. But SkirtCafe is still here, still sharing good cheer, and still talking about skirts and kilts for men. And please remember... respect for all.
Oh yes, also, please read the forum descriptions carefully. They have changed. Subjects related to androgyny or borderline CD/TG should go under "Freestyle Fashions." Well categorized topics will help us all feel respected.