New instrument - a Fartiphone

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New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby JohnH » Sat Sep 28, 2019 4:26 pm

I propose a new instrument - the fartiphone.

Brass sections of orchestras and bands look for ways to produce sounds similar to a 32 foot stop of a pipe organ.
There is the octobass which produces that deep sound which is in the violin family, deeper than the standard double bass. And now we need to come up with a "brass" instrument.

Instead of buzzing into a mouthpiece you would fart into an asspiece, which you sit on.
You would have to make the instrument out of stainless steel as brass would turn green.
And instead of a spit valve, there would be a crap valve.

My wife tells me I would be quite talented in playing such an instrument.

John
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby beachlion » Sat Sep 28, 2019 4:35 pm

Do you think the audience will still like the music when they have to wear gasmasks? And how do you play wind instruments with a gasmask? And how much beans does the player has to eat to have the capacity for a whole concert?

I think it is easier and friendlier to the environment to make a bigger Sousaphone.
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby JohnH » Sat Sep 28, 2019 4:43 pm

You would have to have quite a ventilation system to remove the fragrance produced while playing the instrument. I don't know how many beans a player would have to eat in order to last the performance. That is something to be determined by experimentation.
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby Fred in Skirts » Sat Sep 28, 2019 7:39 pm

With the amount of wind my lower region produces I in all believe I could last through the 5th of "B". :dj: :kiltdance:

How ever the amount of toxic gas produced would take care of six or more death row prisoners. :twisted: :hide:
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby Kirbstone » Sat Sep 28, 2019 7:56 pm

An odour of sanctity, for sure and not to my taste.

The standard instrument in an orchestra which can reach the lowest note is the Bassoon. Boesendorfer added extra bass notes to their largest 10-ft. concert grand pianos to match this, these keys being black so as not to confuse the rest of us, used to the 88-note white keyboard.

In a music shop in Bielefeld, Germany one day I obliged the sales lady by playing a few of their clavinovas & such like for punters.....with the caveat that she'd allow me take their 10-ft Boesendorfer for a test drive. Quite an experience. First time I'd laid a finger on one.

Later I took part in a sculling event on the Vecht river in Holland. A lot of us who had traveled a distance stayed overnight in the house of the organiser. His wife turned out to be a professional orchestral cellist and had music coming out of her ears. To my astonishment in their not very large sitting room they had shorehorned in a 10-ft. Boesendorfer behemoth. After supper not to bore the rest of the company out of their minds we played Schubert's 'Traumerei' from his Kinderszehnen. A pleasant quickie.
The Behemoth didn't disappoint!

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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby dillon » Sat Sep 28, 2019 8:10 pm

John, allow me to propose an electrical generator for your condition. The wind velocity and methane combustion could contribute immensely to green energy! Just keep eating those burritos. With extra Cholula! :D
As a matter of fact, the sun DOES shine out of my ...
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby beachlion » Sat Sep 28, 2019 8:14 pm

Fred in Skirts wrote:With the amount of wind my lower region produces I in all believe I could last through the 5th of "B". :dj: :kiltdance:

How ever the amount of toxic gas produced would take care of six or more death row prisoners. :twisted: :hide:


If Spike Jones was still with us ......
I had the impression one of his instruments already made noises that made me quite suspicious of the source. ;)
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby weeladdie18 » Sat Sep 28, 2019 8:17 pm

I may have previously spoken of the base guitar...an octave lower than a standard guitar .
I saw a professional musician playing an electrified Tea Chest Base in a folk club .Could be played in a low range ...I have no knowledge of the range
in which this instrument was played ...Possibly only the same as the plucked range of a standard Double Base .
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby JohnH » Sun Sep 29, 2019 12:36 am

I believe the deepest standard double reed instrument is the contrabassoon which goes down to Bb0 or A0 ( lowest note on a standard piano keyboard). And as I mentioned, there's the octobass that is bowed and is roughly 3.5 meters tall and it goes down to C0 (16 Hz). And I have seen on the internet extremely deep tubas about 2 meters tall. And they have a mouthpiece like any other brass instrument.

A 4-string bass guitar goes down to E1, same as a standard double bass Then there's the 5 string model that goes down to B0, the deepest B on a piano. And even deeper bass guitars can be made as there are custom strings for them.

The letter pitch with the number after it is scientific pitch notation. Middle C is C4.
Last edited by JohnH on Sun Sep 29, 2019 1:18 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby JohnH » Sun Sep 29, 2019 12:44 am

Fred in Skirts wrote:With the amount of wind my lower region produces I in all believe I could last through the 5th of "B". :dj: :kiltdance:

How ever the amount of toxic gas produced would take care of six or more death row prisoners. :twisted: :hide:


Also I have come up with the idea of primitive "natural gas" warfare. The soldiers eat a diet of a lot of beans, saurkraut, Limburger cheese, and beer. They wear kilts commando. They sneak upwind of the troops they want to gas, raise their kilts, and let out the worst farts and the troops downwind wilt and faint. And the worst part is hearing the sound and waiting with dread for the arrival of the foul gas.
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby beachlion » Sun Sep 29, 2019 2:30 am

JohnH wrote:...... Also I have come up with the idea of primitive "natural gas" warfare. The soldiers eat a diet of a lot of beans, saurkraut, Limburger cheese, and beer. They wear kilts commando. They sneak upwind of the troops they want to gas, raise their kilts, and let out the worst farts and the troops downwind wilt and faint. And the worst part is hearing the sound and waiting with dread for the arrival of the foul gas.


That for sure will bring you in trouble with the Geneva Conventions.
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby crfriend » Sun Sep 29, 2019 4:01 am

beachlion wrote:That for sure will bring you in trouble with the Geneva Conventions.

And pray to all the gods that there may be that the wind doesn't change!
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby Stevie D » Sun Sep 29, 2019 7:36 am

It's been done - long ago. See here :lol:
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Blazing Saddles Campfire Scene

Postby shadowfax » Sun Sep 29, 2019 9:42 am

Blazing Saddles Campfire Scene? :wink: :)
https://youtu.be/VPIP9KXdmO0
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Re: New instrument - a Fartiphone

Postby shadowfax » Sun Sep 29, 2019 10:46 am

Stevie D wrote:It's been done - long ago. See here :lol:

BTW Mel Brooks, the director, appears in three supporting roles in Blazing Saddles.
One of them is Governor William J. Le Petomane. :wink:
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