Change of subject from world policies and the like

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Change of subject from world policies and the like

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:30 am

Politically Correct… kind of

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED – She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES

She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY – She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE – She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR

She does not have THIN LIPS – She is COLLAGEN DEFICIENT.
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
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Change of subject from world policies and the like 2

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:35 am

:lol:
Watch closely

The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.

They were being VERY affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other’s ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes, or nibble at their mate’s ear. There was also a lot of giggling going on.

The young man said to his girlfriend, “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”

She said, “Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball.”.

:alien:
Apply for a Job with the Railroad

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

“What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?”

Fred quickly answered, “Well, I’d call my brother.”

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. “Why would you call your brother?”

“He’s never seen a train wreck before.”. :dance:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
User avatar
Fred in Skirts
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Posts: 2306
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:48 pm
Location: Southeast Corner of Aiken County, SC USA

Re: Change of subject from world policies and the like 2

Postby pelmut » Tue Apr 09, 2019 7:22 am

Fred in Skirts wrote:“What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?”

It would depend on whether they were heading towards each other or away from each other...
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
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Re: Change of subject from world policies and the like

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Apr 09, 2019 11:50 pm

American Management

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American’s team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
:lol:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
User avatar
Fred in Skirts
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Posts: 2306
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:48 pm
Location: Southeast Corner of Aiken County, SC USA

Re: Change of subject from world policies and the like

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Apr 09, 2019 11:53 pm

Unproductive Time

NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES:

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time.

Unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals.

Attached is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code – Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bellyaching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bellyaching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bellyaching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bellyaching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bellyaching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bellyaching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bellyaching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7420 Using 900 Area Code
7425 Talking with Mother on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in a Work Activity
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
User avatar
Fred in Skirts
Member Extraordinaire
 
Posts: 2306
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:48 pm
Location: Southeast Corner of Aiken County, SC USA


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