Clean jokes who knew??

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Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Nov 21, 2018 9:59 pm

Software Engineers

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

“I know,” said the manager. “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we’ll be on our way.”

“No,” said the hardware engineer. “I’ve got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait,” said the software engineer. “Before we do anything, shouldn’t we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?”
Fred :kiltdance:

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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:02 pm

This ones for Carl

Tech Questions

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:05 pm

Windows 2002 SE

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2002 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2002, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled “Outhouse”
My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption”
Dial up Networking is called “Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as the “The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as “4-Wheel Drive”
Floppies are “them little ol’ plastic disc thangs”
Instead of an error message a “garbage bag and roll of duct tape” pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset. . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes. . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start. . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . . stuff at duz stuff
Documents. . . . . . stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2002:
Tiperiter. . . . . . . a word processing program
colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer
pitchers . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y’all!
Billy Bob Gates
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby crfriend » Wed Nov 21, 2018 11:10 pm

Fred in Skirts wrote:This ones for Carl

Indeed, it passes the ID-ten-T test. Bravo all. You cannot fix stupid. The best one can do is hopefully make it hurt. (In a conversation at my local this evening I heard the words, "You can't fix stupid, but at least I can numb it a bit using a two-by-four." I'd have used a 4x6; the hurt would last longer.)

On the previous post (the one with the chap who sold tomatoes), it's worth noting that e-mail, windowing systems, and the "Internet" work just fine without Microsoft pollution, so even though I have all three I have not been "taken to the cleaners by Microsoft" although sometimes it feels that way when I think back to the days with my late ex-.

Let's see. It's 1990, we'vre got a 56 kb/s frame-relay connection, a firewall running Solaris, e-mail routers running a very early version of Linux, directory services provided by Banyan Vines, and a desktop machine running CLIX. Nope. No Gates-noise there. This in a 5,000 person company. I designed the Internet interface and ran it for a decade through numerous upgrades.

On Microsoft, sadly we lost Paul Allen a few weeks back. He was actually the brains behind the thing and went on to do a great many more good works here and abroad. He will be missed. It's my hope that he'll be remembered for the great things he did and not the corporate disaster that set computing back by better than a decade in the early 1980s.
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:33 pm

Engine Trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry . . .we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don’t worry… we still have one engine left.”

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”.

======================================================================

I’m not moving

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He asked the woman to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde and I know how to handle this.”

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”.
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:40 pm

A Quickie

Newly graduated from the seminary, the young, naive priest was given an assignment in a far rural parish.

As he approached the train station he was accosted by a prostitute, who asked him if he’d like a “quickie.” for $5. Not knowing what a quickie was, the priest replied, “No thank you my child and God bless you.”

When he arrived at the outlying parish his curiosity was piqued when again he was propositioned for a quickie, and again declined.

When he arrived at the parish headquarters he asked the nun in charge, “Sister, what’s a quickie?”

And she replied, “$5, Father, same as in town.”.
===================================================================

Dispersing an Unruly Crowd

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”

He thought for a moment and then replied, “I would take up a collection.” :twisted:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Mike » Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:16 pm

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff....

Bah-dum tssssssss

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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby weeladdie18 » Thu Jan 03, 2019 8:39 am

Fred in Skirts wrote:Software Engineers

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

“I know,” said the manager. “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we’ll be on our way.”

“No,” said the hardware engineer. “I’ve got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait,” said the software engineer. “Before we do anything, shouldn’t we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?”


Fred.... This sounds "Par For The Course ".....Please can you explain the Joke..........weeladdie
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Mon Jan 07, 2019 3:45 pm

petting.jpg


BC checking.jpg


math.jpg


selfy.jpg
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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Mon Jan 07, 2019 3:48 pm

weeladdie18 wrote:Fred.... This sounds "Par For The Course ".....Please can you explain the Joke..........weeladdie

I do not know how you need to have it explained it is as plain as daylight. :D

reread it several times slowly and you will get it!! :)
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Sinned » Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:28 pm

weeladdie has obviously not done any software developing or know any programmers! Replicability!
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby crfriend » Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:05 am

Sinned wrote:weeladdie has obviously not done any software developing or know any programmers! Replicability!

Indeed.

Any well-designed system is deterministic in the way it behaves, I.e. one does "this" to it and it will do "that" in return. It is said in psychology one definition of insanity is performing the same action time and time again and expecting a different result each time. Does this make Windwoes clinically insane?

Having both hardware and software chops, I get all the jokes -- and can laugh at all of 'em too because some are surprisingly wickedly accurate.
Retrocomputing -- It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Sinned » Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:27 am

Carl, with software it's a case, not of trying the same thing and getting the same result, but of trying something different and getting the same result! Now that's frustrating and then you hit on the right way and the emotional high is somewhat akin to an orgasm without the mess. :lol:
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:50 pm

ticket.jpg


* :colors:

* :thumleft:

* :jocolor:

* :sofnny:

How many get the meaning of this joke??? :lol: :doh:
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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Clean jokes who knew??

Postby Sinned » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:07 pm

A Russian doll with hidden assets!
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