Awful jokes................

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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Sun Nov 25, 2018 12:30 am

During a friend's funeral the other day, his widow asked me if I would say a word; I stood up and said "Plethora".

Afterwards she said "Thank you, that meant a lot to me".
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Sinned » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:49 pm

Here's one that was told to me by a customer the other day:

Donald Trump had been in a very important meeting and as he exited the Conference Hall flanked by his security guard he spotted a photo opportunity. He started waving to the crowd when someone jumped out of the crowd and pointed a gun at the President. The security guard shouted, "Mickey Mouse", jumped on the guy, overpowered him and took the gun away.

Later Donald was talking to the security guard and asked what all the "Mickey Mouse" business was about. The security guard said that for a split second he got flustered and said the first thing that came into his head. He said, "What I actually meant to say was ...."
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Wait for it!
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".... Donald, duck!"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Kirbstone » Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:36 am

It was a bleak miserable nearly dark morning in Soviet-Era Moscow and Ludmilla was shuffling along very slowly in the queue to buy bread. Igor her husband poured out a cup of tea from the family samovar and brought it out to Ludmilla to refresh her during her long wait.
When he arrived, Ludmilla remarked that it was snowing, whereupon Igor assured her that it was only raining. They disagreed on this and to settle the matter Igor called on their mutual friend Ruedi, solid Party Member and pillar of the local commune &c to pass judgement on the weather.
Ruedi turned his hands upwards to assess what was falling from above and he came to a conclusion, put his pipe in his mouth, lit it, puffed a couple of times and pronounced that it was RAIN.
Igor then turned to Ludmilla and said: Ruedolf the Red knows RAIN, Dear!

Tom
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby crfriend » Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:51 am

Kirbstone wrote:Ruedolf the Red knows RAIN, Dear!

That was orders of magnitude better than the "Mickey Mouse" one, and if I'd had a mouthful of beer it might well have wound up in places where beer doesn't belong.

Put bluntly, the "Mickey Mouse" quip isn't a laughing matter to a large percentage of the US population. I'm glad in a way that it is elsewhere on the planet, but recall that the folks living on the small continent between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans have to live with this insanity day in and day out.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Daryl » Mon Dec 24, 2018 6:48 am

Sinned wrote:Here's one that was told to me by a customer the other day:

Donald Trump had been in a very important meeting and as he exited the Conference Hall flanked by his security guard he spotted a photo opportunity. He started waving to the crowd when someone jumped out of the crowd and pointed a gun at the President. The security guard shouted, "Mickey Mouse", jumped on the guy, overpowered him and took the gun away.

Later Donald was talking to the security guard and asked what all the "Mickey Mouse" business was about. The security guard said that for a split second he got flustered and said the first thing that came into his head. He said, "What I actually meant to say was ...."


No no no, I did NOT stay up late to read something like that....without sharing the pain with MOH first thing in the morning.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Sinned » Mon Dec 24, 2018 10:05 pm

Well, Carl, everyone I have told it to thinks it's funny. But then I suppose that we are not blessed [0] with Donald as a leader. How in the h*ll did that lunatic get elected? But then I suppose that we had the Blair-Brown double act for far too many years and they suckered us right. [1] Oh, well, touche.

[0] sarcasm!
[1] Blair still seems to think that he did nothing wrong, ever, and our pension funds are still suffering from the devastation that Brown wreaked with his taxation policy.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby crfriend » Mon Dec 24, 2018 10:26 pm

Sinned wrote:[...] blessed [0] with Donald [...

[0] sarcasm!

It could be worse. You could have said "besmirched".
[1] Blair still seems to think that he did nothing wrong, ever[...]

Your problems in that regard go back a few years before that.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Bikerkilt » Tue Dec 25, 2018 4:48 am

Its not that people voted for Donald but they voted against Hillary.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby weeladdie18 » Tue Dec 25, 2018 7:54 pm

A Russian Secret Agent parachutes into the Scottish Highlands ......All he can see for miles is sheep...he eventually finds a croft with
smoke coming out of the chimney ....Civilisation at last ...he thinks ...I must find out where I am....

An old shepherd is standing by the door and invites the Russian in for a cup of tea.....The host admits that he lives alone and has
never had female company in his croft.

The host asks the Russian why he is walking in the Highlands , miles from anywhere........
....the Russian replies that he is a Russian Secret Agent..... the Shepard replies;

" Goody Goody ....Red Spy at night.... ,Shepard's Deleight "
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby weeladdie18 » Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:07 pm

Soon a younger man appears....he has horns on head and is wearing a sheepskin...."Meet my son ", the shepard says.....

" No woman ever visited your croft..........................Please explain your lifestyle " ......the Russian asks.

" Come on Boy , Tell the Red Spy , your name ....." .....The boy replies ......." Ba Ba Ba Basil "
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby weeladdie18 » Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:23 pm

Crocodile Dundee the famous Australian Croc Hunter is visiting Cornwall , promoting his latest film ........He enters the local pub
with his pet croc on a lead......Crocodile Dundee asks the barman....
" Do you serve Cornishmen ? " ...." Certainly ,sir " comes the reply ....

" I will have a Cornishman for my croc , and a lager for myself " continues Dundee.

Comes to last orders.....the barman apologises to Dundee " Fresh out of Cornishmen...we have a nice line in live Cornish Gnomes "

Dundee replies " That is no good , ...barman....my croc goes wild on shorts........."
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Dec 26, 2018 6:59 pm

Dead Dog

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

:bom:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes.........computer jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:31 pm

UNIX Error Messages

(% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell)

% “How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface?
Unmatched “.

% rm congressional-ethics
rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (‘s.

%make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending

$ drink
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

Or, in a System V (att) universe:

$ cat “can of food”
cat: cannot open can of food
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:37 pm

Something from the Bar?

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.

“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

“Then what’s the matter?

“I’m trying to give up drinking.”. :twisted:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Thu Jan 03, 2019 8:33 am

Q:  What sound does a French ballet dancer make when she falls over?
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A:  Poulenc
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
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