Awful jokes................

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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:25 pm

Q:  What is the difference between sheep music and sheet music?
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A:  In sheep music they leave out the stave and just print the baa-aa lines.
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby crfriend » Sun Sep 23, 2018 11:32 pm

Sinned wrote:Actually Carl, it would be a list - a list of verbs which is allowed. "Eats" is the first, "shoots" is the second and "leaves" is the third so the Oxford comma associated with the "and" would still be applicable.

Yes, but the errant comma is what makes for the joke. It was supposed to be a statement describing the panda's diet, not the critter's behaviour.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:13 am

Two parrots sitting on a perch.  One says to the other "Can you smell fish?".
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Oct 04, 2018 11:51 pm

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were out on the ranch when Dale went out and rung the dinner bell for Roy to come get lunch. Well Roy comes riding up on Trigger and starts heading into the house when Dale noticed his new boots and stops him. Woah woah woah there Roy! Pointing at his boots. What are those?? Theses are my new lizard skin boots Dale...you like em?? Dale says...they're fine boots I am sure but leave em out here on the porch as I don't want any lizard skin anything in my kitchen! Roy quickly took them off and left them on the porch.
While eating his lunch he glanced up to see a wild cat had gotten ahold of his boots and was chewing them up! Up and out after the wild cat he went, jumped on Trigger and off he went after the cat.

Soon after that Dale looks out and sees Roy dragging the wild cat behind Trigger and she went out to greet him singing (to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo) "Parden me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Sinned » Fri Oct 05, 2018 6:48 pm

Right Fred, you asked for it.

Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," ' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".

"OK," said the man and entered the house.

Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest."
"
Well, that's pretty mild,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2....Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:00 pm

Here are bunch more for your Pleasure? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema.
The ticket lady asks, "Why so many of you?"
Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."
~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop, and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get
one cheaper off the web.
~~~~~~~~~~
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
~~~~~~~~~~
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
~~~~~~~~~~
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM.
Can you believe that! 2:30 AM?
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
~~~~~~~~~~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
~~~~~~~~~~
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying
for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
~~~~~~~~~~
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
~~~~~~~~~~
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears
and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat!
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:04 pm

Here's one that is awful good........

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:48 am

What is the difference between a woman entering a church and a woman who has slipped and fallen in the bath?
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The first one has her soul  full of hope...
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:11 pm

Where are phantom bagpipers taught to play?
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In a ghouls' skirl.
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
pelmut
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:19 am

A Pirate And A Seaman Talk About Their Adventures

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. They talk about their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:22 am

The Captain In Brown Pants

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”.

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.

The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”.

The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”.

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid”. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!
:lol:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Oct 11, 2018 4:07 am

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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
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Fred in Skirts
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:27 pm

Why can't you starve on a beach?
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Because of all the sand which is there.
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
pelmut
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:11 pm

Father:  What is the difference between a pillar box and an elephant's bottom?
Son:  I don't know - what is the difference?
Father:  I'm not going to get you to post any of my letters then...
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
pelmut
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Tue Nov 13, 2018 9:06 pm

Two residents of an old people's home fell in love and decided to get married.  On the day before the wedding, the doctor took the husband-to-be aside and gave him some friendly advice: "Be very gentle with your wife on your wedding night, she has acute angina".  to which the old chap replied: "I know - and lovely legs too!".
There is no such thing as a normal person, only someone you don't know very well yet.
pelmut
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