Gender, Honesty, MIS and me.

[Stevie D]

Gender, Honesty, MIS and me.

I don't post much these days, in part because I am busy with other things in my life, but also (a) because I feel that I have little to add to what has already been said and (b) because I wonder how much I really do fit in here. Perhaps I shouldn't be here at all. It is thanks to Emerald Witch and her 'fresh air' posts in the TV room thread and elsewhere, that I have felt the need to take stock and examine where I am at this stage of my life. Thanks EW! Here's my story- I shall try to be reasonably brief.

I am 55 years old and live in the north of England. Outwardly, when I was born, I had the anatomy of a male child and naturally enough, that was how I was raised. But I have always known that I am 'different' as far as gender is concerned. I still vividly remember being so upset at the age of three when I was told that I couldn't be a bridesmaid at my aunt's wedding, yet my cousin Lynne the same age as me got to wear the lovely bridesmaid's dress which arrived at the house a few days beforehand. All through my childhood and teenage years I wished that I was a girl but I just kept it to myself thinking that I was bad and mad. When I hit puberty and facial hair started sprouting I was, what? Devastated would be too strong a word for it, but saddened and disappointed, certainly. When my parents were out, I sometimes used to experiment to see what it might be like to be a girl, secretly borrowing my mother's clothes and on rare occasions using her makeup as well. It was nice and felt sort of right, but overwhelmingly tempered by thinking that what I was doing and the way in which I was feeling was wrong.

These days, with transgendered people being largely out and accepted in western society, things are perhaps easier. I have read accounts of children who, knowing that something's not quite right to them, go to their parents and say something like "Mum, I really, really need to be a girl..." But that never occurred to me. There was no internet in those days. Having never heard of transvestites or transsexuals, I had no idea that anyone else ever felt the same way as myself. And as the years went by, I just sort of pushed it into the background and got on with my life. I acquired lots of friends, many of whom were girls and I went out with a few of them, rejoicing in their feminine company and feeling comfortable being with them.

Knowing what I do now, if I had my life over again, I would have almost certainly gone along the transsexual route. As it was, by the time I knew enough to seek advice and and counselling I was married with young children and it just wasn't an option. In my late twenties I found out about the Beaumont Society (the first UK support group for TV/TS people) and with my wife's tacit toleration, but never really acceptance, I started going along to a few of the local meetings. It was mainly for TVs and whilst it was good fun to get dressed up and pretty in a safe environment, and occasionally go to parties with other cross-dressers, their friends and partners and once, on an outrageous weekend break at a seaside hotel, there was always the nagging doubt in my mind that there was something missing. It seemed that for many of them, it was just a sort of game, a hobby. They could just as well have been taking part in a costume role-play event like some sort of medieval or civil war re-enactment. For me it was deeper; it went right to my very core, sometimes so strongly that I hurt. The way people perceived me to be, the way I was expected to exist in the social spheres of my work and family, was not how I really felt, deep inside.

So was I a transsexual? I had no idea, but I took advice and sought out a gender counsellor, whose opening words to me were "so why do you want to become a second-class citizen...?" Despite such a challenging opening gambit - she was an ardent feminist too - we got on very well and over several sessions, we explored how I felt as never before. As a result, I went a little way along the TS route but in the end pulled back because of my family situation (I did not want to cause my marriage to break up) and because of convincing (at the time) counter-arguments from a few people who were close to me, but as I see now from time's distance, never really understood what I was going through. In the end, my marriage did break up for various complex reasons, but the gender thing was one part of it. Sadly, my wife just could not have handled it. As an aside, a few years later my eldest child, always shy and a bit of a loner, came out as TS (it was a bit like 'Mum, I really need to be a girl'), got unwavering positive support from family and friends, and eventually went through the whole process of hormones and SRS, and is now living happily as a woman. Does it run in families, I wonder?

Not long after my marriage failed, I met someone who soon became the absolute love and joy of my life. I told her about my gender feelings soon after our initial meeting, and whilst she was puzzled and didn't know too much about these things at the time, she was prepared to learn and work with me to find out where we could go with it and remain happy. We've been together now for over 16 years and got married just over two years ago. We had an outdoor handfasting ceremony in the presence of many of our family and friends, followed by a civil registry office marriage. We both wore dresses. But I run on ahead here.

During this time the internet came into our lives and with it, websites and forums such as The Atrium and Tom's Cafe/Skirt Cafe. I have been a member of the Café since its beginnings, although I don't post much these days. I became interested in men wearing skirts as normal clothing items and I tried it for myself. It was a bit scary at first, as there was no pretense of being a woman to hide behind. But I was amazed and gratified at how easy it was, how other people just accepted it. So I wear skirts and sarongs quite often, and quite publicly, as and when I want to. I don't wear kilts - too manly for me and too many associations with being Scottish, which I'm not.

The Men In Skirts movement and Male Fashion Freedom are good developments. Cafe members will know that and there is no need to discuss this further. It has helped me tremendously in finding out where I am in this gender exploration jungle. I'm still not sure - there is no Sat Nav for gender - but I have a better idea that I did a few years ago. For me MIS is still not right. I do not feel myself to be a man, but neither do I feel that I am (or should be) a woman.

So what/where am I? Somewhere in between. I have come to completely reject the traditional bipolar division of gender into male-female. I am androgynous. I am how I feel. Neither male nor female. In my everyday life, I will push the boundaries of what many Café members would be comfortable with: jewellery, subtle make-up, soft flowing fabrics, hosiery, pretty underwear, nice shoes, etc. Other times I am content to slob around in scruffy jeans and a T-shirt. I have had laser treatment to try to reduce my facial hair. But I do not (usually) deliberately try to pass as a woman (what ever that means); I am just 'me'. Gender is what you feel deep within you. It's not about clothing as such, although clothing is an outward expression of how you feel inside.

My wife, bless her, is very loving and supportive and is mostly OK with my blurring of the gender lines, although she sometimes gets a bit twitchy if we are out together and I am too outwardly girly; she has a visceral fear of being mistaken for a lesbian (which she is not), although I hasten to add that she is not prejudiced against lesbian and gay people - they figure highly in our circle of friends and she will happily hug and kiss them the same as anyone else.

One nice spin-off that androgyny has done for me is that I have completely rejected mens' formal wear. I've always detested suits and ties - so restrictive, hot and uncomfortable. As well as traditional music, I also play clarinet in a quite good amateur orchestra. We give several concerts each year and on these occasions formal wear is expected: the men wear DJ's (tux) with horrible, restrictive, bow ties; the women wear long black whatever they like, be it skirt and blouse, dress, trousers, etc. So - for the last few years on the concert platform I have just worn the same as the women, loose flowing black top, with either black trousers or a long black skirt. So comfortable and nice to play in. This androgyny thing is SO liberating!

So that's where I am. Now you know. If you have read this far without getting bored, well done and thank you. Do I fit into the Cafe environment? Maybe. Maybe not. If you all think I should not be here, I will go quietly. In his 'Rules for the Cafe', Bob mentions 'gender honesty' - not trying to be something we are not. In other words, as far as the Cafe is concerned, no pretending to be women, no femme names, etc. But I am trying, as hard as I know how, to be honest about my gender. For some, perhaps many of us, gender is not black or white, male or female, masculine or feminine, but it is fluid. (Whilst on the subject of names, some of my close friends call me 'Stevie D' which I quite like. It is neither overtly masculine nor feminine.)

These days, as I have mentioned, I see myself as androgynous, and most of the time I am quite happy with that. Sometimes I joke that I am a 'failed transsexual' and there is always that nagging doubt 'what if....?' But overall, I am happy. I have many blessings to count, and I do.

[Milfmog]

Gosh Stevie,

I have no idea what to say that will not be lame and inadequate, so I'll stick to a simple "thank you", both for your openness and for encouraging me to think beyond simple gender polarisation.

I owe both you and WSMac a debt of gratitude for the additional understanding of human feelings that you have been able to show me and I for one would be saddened if you thought that you were unwelcome here.

I hope you will feel able to continue to contribute from your honest and very special perspective.

Thank you again,


Ian.

[MtnBiker]

Steve that was great! And if you do not belong here, neither do I. That was a great write up and made me feel great. It made me know that I'm not alone in not being at one or the other of the sliding scale that is gender. Oh, for sure, outwardly I have not one iota of femininity but inside I sure do.

A photo you once posted, of you dressed for a concert, gave me so much feel-good. To this day, I think of that photo and how very natural it all looked.

Good work. Thank you.

[Bob]

Stevie,

I can only second what Milfmog and MtnBiker have said. In fact, I have had a rather similar experience as you. I too questioned whether I belonged at SkirtCafe, and I even considered the possibility of "bowing out" while continuing to run it (under the assumption that the site should not just be about where I'm at, but should serve the larger community). But in the end, I came to believe that was not necessary.

Although there is the real "us" inside, I think we can only approximate it on the outside. We go through life playing roles which fit or don't fit to varying degrees. SkirtCafe is no different. It has two roles now for participants: "men" who like to wear skirts, and "women" who like men who wear skirts. The board is mainly ABOUT the people in the "men" role.

I realize that bipolar gender is inadequate to explain human experience, and yet I ask members to choose the role on SkirtCafe that "best fits," knowing that for some the "best fit" won't be very good. I also ask that the "best fit" role chosen on SkirtCafe is the same as the "best fit" role chosen for everyday life. My hope is that the nuances will be attained not through the roles we play on the board, but through the dialog, like that which Stevie shared above.

I understand that the conceptual framework presented at SkirtCafe is not for everyone. However, I hope it is a good alternative to the more bipolar views of gender presented by the traditional TV and TS communities --- an additional voice in the conversation.

And yes, I would be sad to see you leave. I do believe you belong here and that you have important things to add to the conversation at SkirtCafe. I value the diversity of our membership.

[gshubert]

I was struck by this, "I am just 'me'." Please continue to be you. Thanks for your heartfelt explanation; and thanks for being true to yourself.

--Greg Shubert

[sapphire]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, and for the courage it took to tell it.

Hopefully, it will help people with gender ambiguity issues. There are probably more folks than we realize who do have some level of ambiguity about their "real" gender.

One size does not fit all and the more comfortable that we can feel about who and what we are, the healthier we will be.

Diana

[Ray]

Stevie,

Searingly candid, and thought provoking. That's why you are such an asset to the Café.

I for one would love to hear your comments, as and when you wish to chip in. As is already evident, your thoughts and views touch a chord with many.

Kind regards

Ray

[alexthebird]

I also want to chime in and thank Steve. I have had a very similar experience to his. In fact, my discomfort with the traditionally masculine role and identity was one (but only one, mind you) of the reasons my first marriage broke up. My ex- was absolutely terrified about "what will people think." Surprisingly, she was more concerned about people thinking she was a lesbian than I was a weirdo.

I came across a very useful visual metaphor a few years back. Imagine a very big field, with a big blue pole stuck in the northeast corner and a big pink pole stuck in the southwest corner. Nearly everybody in the world will want to hug "their" pole and don't ever see the view or feel the breeze from other places on this field. A lucky few of us get to wander wherever our fancy takes us.

I consider it a privilege.

[Emerald Witch]

Steve, I wish I could throw my arms around you and give you the biggest hug! I am near to tears. Both by your amazing bravery in coming forth with this story (and I KNOW that can't have been an easy decision for you) and by the incredibly beautiful response of the people from this board who've posted so far.

God, I'm so glad I'm a part of this community! I'm all choked up.

(Terrific crying jag ensues in honor of friend.)

[WSmac]

Please stay Steve

What always moves me when someone reveals such personal information at places like this is the amount of trust the person must hold for the other members.

I would like to thank you for your trust Steve.

This goes for everyone else here. I believe for each of us here, there is some opening up of a vulnerable place in our beings.
Time-and-time again, I have seen such overwhelming support from members, old and new alike, and I have to smile (a bit teary-eyed mostly) and be thankful I have been a part of all this.

To keep my reply short, for once , I'll quickly change-gears and move to the question about gender issues running in families.

I know of one family where the father and son eventually found comfort and wholeness in completing their journey all the way through surgery (different times by about a year and a half).
Both of them and the wife remain a family to this day.

Does it run in families? I don't know. If so, would it be genetic or other?
Time will tell.

I am so glad you have someone to love and be close with Steve.
I am finding that some days I feel hope I can also find someone who can accept me as I am... don't we all?

[ziggy_encaoua]

First off Steve you’re not a ‘failed transsexual’, if you are happy being being you then you are a success.

I’d advise anybody thinking of gender reassignment to think very carefully & only have surgery if it was absolutely necessary.

It might surprise some on this forum to learn that a few years back I too went the TS route. I changed my name, I was on hormones for three months & the shrink I saw was certain I was suffering from gender dysphoria. However in a moment of clarity I discovered what I wasn’t was a transsexual & though I’d thought that since I was 10 years old I soon adapted to accepting I was male just not stereotypically male.

[Stevie D]

Dear Friends,
I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' to everyone for all the nice comments and messages of support. Emerald Witch - I'm sorry if I made you cry, even if they were empathy tears; certainly not my intention

Some of you mentioned my 'courage' in opening up to all, in the world-wide publicity spotlight of the internet. I don't know about courage, but it just seemed the right time to tell my story. I don't think I could ever be blackmailed or threatened with being 'outed' - I have nothing to hide; I am pretty well 'out' to my family, friends and work colleagues and as you have probably picked up, I am comfortable with where I am.

But I do also recognise that I am in a fortunate position; other Cafe members may well have family and/or workplace problems to overcome in expressing either their gender realisations or their clothing choices, or both. I am also struck by the number of you who have indicated 'me too' responses. And if what I have written has helped anyone achieve greater wisdom or understanding, then it was worth the effort.

While on the subject of androgyny, I'd like to mention a Yahoo Group that has helped me and been a source of inspiration: The Yahoo Androgynes Group at....
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/androgynes/
... of which I am a co-owner and moderator. It is a small friendly group with a highly intelligent and articulate membership. Some people there originally started out on Tom's Cafe or the Atrium. You need to register to join, but that's not really a big deal. The moderators personally process and approve every application. There are no silly ads or pop-ups and we rarely have problems with spam. So - it's worth a look if you are feeling moved towards androgyny, bi-gendered, non-gendered, etc., whatever 'floats your boat', as Skip would say.

And yes, I shall be hanging on here at the Cafe, so thanks once again for all the support and endorsements.
Best wishes to all...

[crfriend]

I'm glad you've decided to hang out. your commentary over the years has always been enjoyable to read, has challenged the mind, and has been refreshing. You might want to repost that wonderful picture of you and your bride at your hand-fasting; that was truly spectacular.

-- Carl (who wonders sometimes if he shouldn't have stuck to his clarinet playing so many years ago...)

[knappen]

Thankyou Steve for your story I have lookrd foward to your posts keep them comming please. K.

[Skirt Chaser]

Stevie, I hope you don't mind but the first thing that sticks in my mind about your message is the love story. I am so happy you have a wife that you can be yourself with. Now I can get on with the rambling secondary thoughts.

...

After writing and rambling and reworking I'm just going to scrap it for being too much about me (and Pythagoras! ) and not you so I'll just simplify it to say being Stevie is label enough. The feeling of comfortably being yourself is better than any arbitrary identity anyone could try to fit themselves into.

Quiet Mouse