Awful jokes................

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Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:20 pm

A tribe of canibals in the jungle come across a circus clown who got left behind by the departing circus they take the clown back, put him in the cooking pot and eat him,whilst eating one of the canibals says "does this meat taste funny",!!

When camping be sure to wear a long sleaved shirt then you have something to wipe ,your nose on!!!

What is a honeymoon? the short period between "I do" and "you'd better"
********
I've never liked dogs since I went to fancy dress party as a lamp post!
*****************
Jokes only geniuses get
Two chemists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have an h2o. The second chemist says ummm , I'll have an h2o too. .....The second chemist died!

A roman walks into a bar says I'll have a martinus. The bartender says, you mean a martini?? The roman says, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one !

A bartender says we don't serve faster than light particles here....a tachyon walks into a bar...,,

A photon checks in to a hotel. Any bags? asks the receptionist. No, says the photon, I'm just traveling light.....
**********
A tortoise is walking down the street and gets mugged by two snails. The police arrive and ask what happened. The tortoise says, I don't know, it all happened so fast.....
***************
I was in a Restaurant last night ordering my meal and the waitress said, "Your steak comes with two sides"

I said, "I'll have a Front and a Back" She just got that deer in the Headlights look on her face.

Then I said, "would you put a rush on that, I'm Double Parked",
**********
A very old couple are getting ready for bed and all of a sudden the 80 yr old wife walks into the bedroom naked and says " darling when you first saw me naked what did you think of my breasts"
to which he replied" i looked at them and said to myself i could suck them flat"
The wife said " and what do you think of my breasts now"
he replied "I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB ON THEM"
*********


:hide: :rofl:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:22 pm

Fred in Skirts wrote:A roman walks into a bar says I'll have a martinus. The bartender says, you mean a martini?? The roman says, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one !

The bartender says "How many do you want?" and the Roman holds up two fingers and says "Five".

A short while later a workman comes into the bar, buying drinks for his mates.  He orders pints for all of them. The bartender says "How many do you want?" and the workman holds up two fingers and says "Five".  "Oh! are you a Roman too?" asks the bartender.  "No", replies the workman, "just an unlucky carpenter".
Last edited by pelmut on Thu Sep 20, 2018 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby weeladdie18 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 8:56 am

A Canniball Chief sent his hunters out into the jungle to catch some food.....The hunters returned with a Boa Constrictor on one pole,
and a minute enemy native on a second pole.....Chiefy observed the prizes and said " Goody, goody, Snake and Pigmy Pie for supper. "
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Sep 20, 2018 7:35 pm

Here is an ad for that wonderful chemical...WD-40..

"Do You Have TIGHT NUTS or A RUSTY TOOL?
then use WD 40 in the MAN SIZE PRESSURE PACK
Stands 9" High 1 1/2 Diam.
(Complete With Red Knob)
*Makes old tools like new again
*Tools slide in and out with ease
*Lubricates dry passage ways
*Makes screwing a pleasure
*Gives better penetration"
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Sep 20, 2018 7:38 pm

Here is another:

wd-40.jpg
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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Sep 20, 2018 8:05 pm

More really bad jokes..........

Q: What did one baby horse say to the other?
A: Youre foal of it... ( insert courtesy laugh here)

Guy's walking down the street and sees a sign on a hardware store: "Cast Iron Sinks".
"Duh", he says: "everybody knows that!!"

Lady goes into her doctor...
Says " Doctor, every time I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!"
Doctor.. "Take 2 of these , and call me next week..."
Week later... " Doctor, every time I go, dimes come out!"
Doctor...." Take these 2 pills , come back in a week..."
Week later... "Doctor , every time I go, QUARTERS are coming out!"
Doctor... ". Relax, you're just going through your change!"

What's the difference between broccoli and buggers?

A kid won't eat broccoli.

The airline pilot was on the PA system talking to the passengers when he suddenly said " ... LOOK OUT !! OH, MY GOD..." (Silence).
He came back on the PA system and said, "I'm so sorry. A flight attendant just spilled coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants!"

A voice from the back of the plane hollered, "You should see the back of MINE!"

Two alien spacecraft come to earth but one crashes upon landing rendering it useless. The two alien crews draw straws to see which ones will be able to return to their planet on the remaining ship.

What do you call the aliens who remain on earth?


Ans: Extra terrestrials

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!" -

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby crfriend » Thu Sep 20, 2018 11:28 pm

Fred in Skirts wrote:A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Ahem. You're missing the comma that make for the gist of the joke. The actual text is "Eats, shoots and leaves." This is also the name of an absolutely exquisite book on the importance and proper use of punctuation in the English language. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is -- at a stroke -- funny, witty, and dead-on accurate.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby r.m.anderson » Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:08 am

crfriend wrote:
Fred in Skirts wrote:A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Ahem. You're missing the comma that make for the gist of the joke. The actual text is "Eats, shoots and leaves." This is also the name of an absolutely exquisite book on the importance and proper use of punctuation in the English language. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is -- at a stroke -- funny, witty, and dead-on accurate.


Ah the PAUSE - wait for it - and then the PUNCH LINE !
It is all in the execution !
"Kilt-On" -or- as the case may be "Skirt-On" !
WHY ?
Isn't wearing a kilt enough?
Well a skirt will do in a pinch!
Make mine short and don't you dare think of pinching there !
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Sinned » Fri Sep 21, 2018 11:00 am

Carl, I have noted that you could actually put another comma in there to read, "Eats, shoots, and leaves." Whilst the second comma may be considered superfluous it would still be grammatically correct and fit the joke better. Discuss.

Fred you don't know what can of worms you opened!
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby crfriend » Fri Sep 21, 2018 1:13 pm

Sinned wrote:Carl, I have noted that you could actually put another comma in there to read, "Eats, shoots, and leaves." Whilst the second comma may be considered superfluous it would still be grammatically correct and fit the joke better. Discuss.

Actually, no. In this case we're not looking at a list, in which the "Oxford comma" could be considered appropriate (this is covered in the book), but rather a statement with the verb being "Eats". The humour in the joke is the errant comma where there should be none; the inclusion of the comma turns the panda's diet of "shoots" and "leaves" into a list of verbs.

Then there's the errant use of an apostrophe to form a plural (e.g. "Pant's Shortened" as seen for several years on a sign along Massachusetts Route 9).
Fred you don't know what can of worms you opened!

It may have been deliberate.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Fred in Skirts » Fri Sep 21, 2018 4:41 pm

Sinned wrote:Carl, I have noted that you could actually put another comma in there to read, "Eats, shoots, and leaves." Whilst the second comma may be considered superfluous it would still be grammatically correct and fit the joke better. Discuss.
Fred you don't know what can of worms you opened!

crfriend wrote:
Fred you don't know what can of worms you opened!

It may have been deliberate.


I think it will be more of a can of vipers and yes it just might have been deliberate!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fred
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts all of the time. :hooray:
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Sat Sep 22, 2018 8:08 am

How do you get a blue rabbit?
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You put a white rabit in the wash with some blue socks.
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby bridkid » Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:52 am

Or the hyena that ate 20 oxo cubes and made a laughing stock of himself....
If it aint Yorkshire, it's crap!
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby pelmut » Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:42 am

What rhymes with Destiny
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....no it doesn't!
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Re: Awful jokes................

Postby Sinned » Sun Sep 23, 2018 5:19 pm

Actually Carl, it would be a list - a list of verbs which is allowed. "Eats" is the first, "shoots" is the second and "leaves" is the third so the Oxford comma associated with the "and" would still be applicable.
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