Information

[Daryl]

Sorry but you cannot use search at this time.

Please try again in a few minutes.

(Please ignore. I'm just trying to trigger a spontaneous recursion event.)

[Kirbstone]

Your call is important to us. Please hold (for 15 minutes) and a Dalek will be with you presently....

Tom

[r.m.anderson]

The number you have dialed is no longer in service - please check the number and dial again !
Something about repeating the same thing expecting a different result !

[Kirbstone]

I can't dig it up just now, but there was an amusing cartoon depicting a distraught passenger approaching the counter of the Ryanair lost property office, only to be informed by the guy behind the counter: 'Sorry Sir, but we're not at liberty to discuss individual cases!'

Tom

[Ralph]

Send no money now. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. To prevent electric shock, do not open back panel. No user serviceable parts inside. You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from country to country. Not recommended for children under twelve years of age. Batteries not included. Limit 1 per customer. Does not come with any other figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Keep away from open flame or spark. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. All rights reserved. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Parental discretion advised. No other warranty expressed or implied. Unauthorized copying of this syllabus strictly prohibited. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. In case of eye contact, flush with water. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Shipping and handling extra. No animals were harmed in the production of this syllabus. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Freshest if consumed before date on carton. Prices subject to change without notice. Times approximate. No postage necessary if mailed in Singapore. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. We reserve the right to limit quantities. One size fits all. Do not leave funds without collecting a receipt. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-active ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. This product is only warranted to the original retail purchaser or gift recipient. For office use only. Net weight before cooking. Not affiliated with the Red Cross. Surfaces should be clean of paint, grease, dirt, etc. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. $2.98/min AE/V/MC. Post office will not deliver without postage. Simulated picture. List was current at time of printing. Penalty for private use. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. No Canadian coins. Do not puncture or incinerate empty container. See label for sequence. Prices subject to change without notice. Do not write below this line. Time lock safe, clerk cannot open. At participating locations only. Serial numbers must be visible. Align parts carefully, then bond. Falling rock zone. Keep out of reach of children. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Check paper path. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Penalty for early withdrawal. Sign here without admitting guilt. No solicitors. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Storage temperature: -30 C (-22 F) to 40 C (104 F). Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. No purchase necessary. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. Extinguish all pilot lights. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated areas. Replace with same type. Accessories sold separately. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Hard hat area. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Adults 18 and over only. Detach and keep for your reference. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. Demo package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before deciding. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices. Tag not to be removed under penalty of law.

[moonshadow]

Message R.N.K.-37, Welcome to U.S. Cellular! The subscriber you trying to reach is no longer active....

beeelaaaDEEEE If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again, if you need help, please dial your operator...

...

...

...

beeelaaaDEEEE If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again, if you need help, please dial your operator...

...

...

... BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP


SOMEONE HANG UP THE DAMNED PHONE!!!

click!

dllllltttt....dlllllttt....
dllllltttt....dlllllttt....
dllllltttt....dlllllttt....
dllllltttt....dlllllttt....
dllllltttt....dlllllttt....
dllllltttt....dlllllttt.... put-tut-tupmph....

We're so sorry, Uncle Albert, But we haven't done a bloody thing all day. We're so sorry, Uncle Albert, But the kettle's on the boil And we're so eas'ly called away.

[skirtyscot]

Contains nuts. (Famously seen on the back of a packet of peanuts.)

This memo is written to protect the writer, not to inform the reader. (Not seen very often, if at all, but it ought to be!)

[crfriend]

Contains nuts. (Famously seen on the back of a packet of peanuts.)

Or, in the words of an entirely helpful store attendant upon seeing me with my usual 12-pack of beer and a bottle of peanuts, "Would you like a bag for your nuts?"

There were myriad ways I could have played that, but I decided to dead-pan it and simply ask, "Pardon?" (And then wait for it to sink in.) We still occasionally get a chuckle out of it.

This memo is written to protect the writer, not to inform the reader. (Not seen very often, if at all, but it ought to be!)

Corporate speak. Charming.

[melsav]

You have been warned.

[Kilted_John]

-J

[moonshadow]

That's actually an oven. The range should be on top, and has no door with which to open.

[Caultron]

That's actually an oven. The range should be on top, and has no door with which to open.

All the more incongruous.

[r.m.anderson]

Often used to chide management about the "Dilbert" factor.

"How often do you go around cooking with the oven door open - half baked ideas !"

As Elvis was leaving the building I had this warm burning feeling at my back !

[Daryl]

Send no money now. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. To prevent electric shock, do not open back panel. No user serviceable parts inside. You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from country to country. Not recommended for children under twelve years of age. Batteries not included. Limit 1 per customer. Does not come with any other figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Keep away from open flame or spark. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. All rights reserved. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Parental discretion advised. No other warranty expressed or implied. Unauthorized copying of this syllabus strictly prohibited. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. In case of eye contact, flush with water. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Shipping and handling extra. No animals were harmed in the production of this syllabus. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Freshest if consumed before date on carton. Prices subject to change without notice. Times approximate. No postage necessary if mailed in Singapore. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. We reserve the right to limit quantities. One size fits all. Do not leave funds without collecting a receipt. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-active ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. This product is only warranted to the original retail purchaser or gift recipient. For office use only. Net weight before cooking. Not affiliated with the Red Cross. Surfaces should be clean of paint, grease, dirt, etc. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. $2.98/min AE/V/MC. Post office will not deliver without postage. Simulated picture. List was current at time of printing. Penalty for private use. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. No Canadian coins. Do not puncture or incinerate empty container. See label for sequence. Prices subject to change without notice. Do not write below this line. Time lock safe, clerk cannot open. At participating locations only. Serial numbers must be visible. Align parts carefully, then bond. Falling rock zone. Keep out of reach of children. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Check paper path. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Penalty for early withdrawal. Sign here without admitting guilt. No solicitors. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Storage temperature: -30 C (-22 F) to 40 C (104 F). Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. No purchase necessary. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. Extinguish all pilot lights. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated areas. Replace with same type. Accessories sold separately. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Hard hat area. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Adults 18 and over only. Detach and keep for your reference. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. Demo package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before deciding. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices. Tag not to be removed under penalty of law.

I almost want to have a tattoo of this.

[skirtingtheissue]

Contains nuts. (Famously seen on the back of a packet of peanuts.)

A few years ago, the bags of salted peanuts on Amtrak trains really did say "CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS".

The number you have dialed is no longer in service - please check the number and dial again !

In the Boston area in the 1960s, the voice said these exact words: "I am sorry; the number you have dialed is not in service at this time. If you need assistance, please stay on the line, and an operator will answer. This is a recording."