More jokes

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More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Mon Nov 05, 2018 8:33 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'. He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...’
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty'…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that… I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One more. ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'

---------------------------------
A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.
As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard, and the sight brought back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.
“You old geezer. Your generation will never understand my generation,” the kid lectured. “You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,” the student said.
“Is that right?” the elder man said.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,” he paused to take swig of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young – so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?”
The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: More jokes

Postby oldsalt1 » Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:15 pm

Fred I am not sure if the jokes are funny or they suck when they hit so close to home :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Tue Nov 06, 2018 1:28 am

oldsalt1 wrote:Fred I am not sure if the jokes are funny or they suck when they hit so close to home :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


I don't determine the funny bone sensitivity of the readers. The jokes are sent because they hit my funny bone. Also the age demographic of the audience is not taken into consideration.

So they are funny!!!! :thewave:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: More jokes

Postby Mike » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:37 pm

"we invented them." I love it!
Mike

Who the hell is 'society' anyway?
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:35 pm

A Lawyer at the Pearly gates

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place.”

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter finally said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.”

The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he agreed.

St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”

“But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”

St Peter said, “We go by billing hours.”.
================================================================
My Car! My Car!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
=====================================

Professionals

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

The near-naked woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?”

She then wiggled her backside and walked off.

“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.

“Err… Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.

“Oh yeah?!” snarled his wife, “Whose profession? Yours or hers?”.
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:43 pm

Noah’s Ark

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. “Noah took unto himself a wife,” he began, “and she was” – he turned the page to continue – “three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high.”
==========================================================================================
God & the Lottery

A blonde woman named Barbara found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.

“God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night came and somebody else won. Barbara again prayed.

“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night came and Barbara still had no luck. Once again she prayed.

“My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Barbara was confronted by the voice of God himself.

“Barbara, you are going to have to meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :mrgreen:
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
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Re: More jokes

Postby Kirbstone » Thu Dec 27, 2018 10:56 pm

A distraught passenger approached the Ryanair lost property office and was promptly told by the guy behind the desk that 'I'm afraid Sir, we are not at liberty to discuss individual cases!'

Tom
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Re: More jokes

Postby crfriend » Thu Dec 27, 2018 11:10 pm

Kirbstone wrote:A distraught passenger approached the Ryanair lost property office and was promptly told by the guy behind the desk that 'I'm afraid Sir, we are not at liberty to discuss individual cases!'

This, by far and away, represents the best form of satirical joke -- because it just might be actually true! (Note that Ryanair doesn't have the best reputation around, but still...)
Retrocomputing -- It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
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Re: More jokes

Postby r.m.anderson » Fri Dec 28, 2018 2:41 am

I believe that Ryan Air was tinkering with Pay Toilets on their aircraft - that is how low they will go in service !
"Kilt-On" -or- as the case may be "Skirt-On" !
WHY ?
Isn't wearing a kilt enough?
Well a skirt will do in a pinch!
Make mine short and don't you dare think of pinching there !
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Re: More jokes

Postby Kirbstone » Fri Dec 28, 2018 5:49 am

Speaking of that, In Arabian Dhows of old (and they may still be in existence) the bulwarks aft were modeled with a recess on both sides for that particular function, the effluent falling directly into the slipstream. That was at about 10 feet altitude and perhaps 5 knots.

Now at 37,000 feet and 500MPH the efffluent would instantly freeze (minus 40deg C.)and perhaps the rear quarters of the hapless user as well! It might have a negative effect of cabin pressure, too, but what the hell, it's Ryanair! :idea:

Tom
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Re: More jokes

Postby r.m.anderson » Fri Dec 28, 2018 12:09 pm

Kirbstone wrote:Speaking of that, In Arabian Dhows of old (and they may still be in existence) the bulwarks aft were modeled with a recess on both sides for that particular function, the effluent falling directly into the slipstream. That was at about 10 feet altitude and perhaps 5 knots.

Now at 37,000 feet and 500MPH the efffluent would instantly freeze (minus 40deg C.)and perhaps the rear quarters of the hapless user as well! It might have a negative effect of cabin pressure, too, but what the hell, it's Ryanair! :idea:

Tom


Me thinks thou is making reference to le blue ice - quite common years ago when a leaky hatch cover over the service point would freeze
forcing open the valve and allowing the tank to empty into free space. le blue ice chunks would fall having some not so amusing collisions
with object on the ground also causing a smile or blue pin stripe along the fuselage. le blue ice is fresh frozen fluid the green stuff is past
its prime for reuse - servicing aircraft blue rooms 101 circa the 60s and 70s.
Was a real danger if the forward lav spews it stuff into an aft engine.

Never mind - Ryan would probably turn around and sell the lav contents to some unsuspecting farmer as fertilizer from heaven -
anything to make a shilling (careful here on the spelling - LOL).
"Kilt-On" -or- as the case may be "Skirt-On" !
WHY ?
Isn't wearing a kilt enough?
Well a skirt will do in a pinch!
Make mine short and don't you dare think of pinching there !
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:31 pm

tooth ferry.jpg


improper.jpg


letter rip.jpg


uranus.jpeg
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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:49 pm

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
And glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
Rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "
Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at
Him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"



Please!!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!
Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
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Re: More jokes

Postby Fred in Skirts » Wed Jan 16, 2019 5:45 pm

dogs.jpg
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Fred :kiltdance:

:whistle: Hi I am Fred and I wear skirts and dresses all of the time. :hooray:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not"
Andre Gide: 1869 - 1951
User avatar
Fred in Skirts
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Posts: 1929
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:48 pm
Location: Southeast Corner of Aiken County, SC USA


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